Blanket Of Stars | jensoo

stars fall like dust

Each time I went to the movies with my mother, she would always make me smile with her predictable nature. Every time she would bring a big purse and fill it with candy and chips from home. Sometimes she would pay for a drink but she didn't always like to, she said the prices were ridiculous and what we buy at the store is just as good, but cheaper.

I don't know if it was just because my family was never really flush with money, but I liked it. She would always bring too much and we'd just finish it during the next couple of days.

The first time I was allowed to go to the mall on my own was when I was ten, almost eleven. I was given fifteen dollars to spend with strict orders to come back with at least some change. I only spent four of it. I couldn't see anything I liked, I just bought lunch.

My mother spent a long time warning me not to talk to strangers, hold my bag tight, stay close to Nayeon, call when I was ready to come home. It was a new experience, one I wasn't sure if I liked. I didn't dislike it as such, but I wasn't sure it lived up to the hype. It was just the mall, who cares who you were with?

It was at least a year before I actually looked forward to going to the mall with friends instead of family, but that didn't last very long, either. I think it was just because everybody else my age was supposed to be embarrassed about being seen with their parents shopping. I stopped pretending pretty quickly.

The only embarrassed phase I went through concerning my parents was watching love scenes in a movie. I wanted to couch to swallow me whole. I was always convinced my parents were looking at me. I don't recall what movie it was, but during one love scene I had to comment on. It was ridiculous even from my opinion, the then virgin. I blurted out: "This looks like a bad porno." It wasn't pretty. A life scarring conversation took place with my parents and I. I don't think I uttered a single coherent word, I was too embarrassed. I hadn't even seen a porno then, it was just a guess.

Eighteen months later I found out it was a good call. My first time having sex was nothing like that, and my first and only time watching a porno was exactly how I thought it would be. Cringe-worthy.

Jin had a collection of them in his room. I sometimes liked to snoop around when he was out of the house. I watched it on mute because I was scared I wouldn't hear when somebody was walking upstairs or I wouldn't hear the car engine outside.

I had to force my dinner down that day.

Jennie and I are at the park. I'm swinging lightly on the swing next to her, content to watch the air leave her lips in a small cloud. Content to watch her being alive. She's holding onto the chains of the swing with the ends of the sleeves on her coat, her hands hiding inside to keep warm.

There's nobody else around and I don't blame them. It's so close to Christmas that they're probably doing last minute shopping, or they're just sane enough to stay inside. It's almost midday and the thick, white frost is still covering the blades of grass.

The sky is dark grey in colour and heavy-looking. I think it's going to snow today. "Have you ever seen a porno?" I ask Jennie suddenly.

Her feet hit the floor hard, coming to an abrupt halt. "What?" she asks, shocked.

"I was just wondering."

"I can't believe you, Kim Jisoo, just asked me if I've ever seen a porno."

I carry on swinging. "Oh, whatever." I chuckle. "Just answer me."

"I've seen a porno, yeah." She laughs a second later. "You are so weird."

I laugh with her and lift my legs higher, swinging faster. I jump off mid-swing and land on my feet an impressive distance away. Jennie's face is a picture before she stops swinging again. "Show off," she states.