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H E R
Here is a painful fact about me:
I don't know how to keep anything to myself.
Here is another one:
The only feeling I could bring myself to process over this entire endeavor was guilt.
It embedded itself so deeply within me, wove its way around my heart. Strangled out any other emotion I could stand to feel about the whole thing.
You weren't supposed to do that. And you definitely weren't supposed to like it.
But there I was. A dirty, rotten, little sinner.
There's this old saying, the dog that weeps after it kills is no better than the dog that doesn't. My guilt did not purify me. Especially since half of me was left silently adoring the one who helped me commit the act like I was lost in some soft, lavender daydream.
I wasn't a good Catholic. I wasn't a good Jew. Honestly, I wasn't even a good person, at this point. I hadn't been a good person for a long while.
The urge to tell someone was unbearable. I was used to confessing my sins to rid myself of them. And as much as I had come to respect Father Gabriel, it didn't feel right telling him. And, to speak plainly, I didn't regret it. Which was hard to admit and even harder to accept. You can't be forgiven for something that you'd do again. But still, the words clotted in my throat, desperate to be said. But I couldn't, not to anyone. And especially not Glenn nor Maggie. I couldn't even fathom what their reactions would be.
And, plus, they had sat me down already to tell me they were expecting a baby and I didn't want to add more to their already very full plates of things to worry about. I tried to be an easy, unproblematic passenger. Tried. Tried really Goddamn hard. Especially with how good they were to me, I didn't want to make their lives any harder.
Those two had done nothing but watch out for me and care for me like one of their own. Their only rule had always been: Be careful. And what had I done? Gone and stamped all over it with my damned hormones and stupidity. Especially whenever Maggie stroked my hair like she had used to do to Beth or how Glenn and I snuck the last of Abraham's favorite cereal and shared the bowl in the bathroom as to avoid getting caught. The words were constantly on the tip of my tongue. I was always quite the chatter-box, and having something I couldn't talk about was a rarity. I felt like they could tell, could see the difference in me.
