The way the turtle falls (TMNT fan fic)

Hate. Anger. Sadness. (Chap 11)

So... here after more than a year ahaa oopS
THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE SUPPORT AND WAITING
Tbh shh don't tell my other book I like this one better
Just because The pain I've hidden for so long has (currently) 27.4ks doesn't make it better than my 4k bk
Lol

Casey and April came over again today. I heard Mikey excitedly show Casey his new high score on the pinball machine. Casey scoffed.
"I could beat that in ten minutes!" He laughed. I rolled my eyes. They were fighting over games!? I walked out of the main room towards my own room, Leo was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, his expression was calm and unreadable.
"You good?" I frowned narrowing my eyes. Leo ran his eyes up I felt a shiver follow. That silence maybe it was only a minute but every time they talked me to me it was always quick to talk to me
"I found some blades hanging around." Leo said mumbled, leaning under my sheets to see a ninja knife covered in dried blood. Anxiety rushed through my blood. I stiffened my expression. He knew, oh freaking hell he knew. A collection of colourful words slipped through my mind. Guilt erupted... Which was followed by a quick loud anger. I bolted at my older brother, shaking slightly. How could I be so weak to get caught? I felt sick, my hands grabbed him.
"That's none of your business!!" I yelled. Only focusing on the anger in me, trying to push the guilt, anxiety and regret. The wall keep the wall. I grabbed at his wrists. Leo mumbled and put a hand on my shoulder gently squeezing it, pain twinkled down my shoulder and arm. I whimpered pulling my arm away.
"Donatello stop it." Leo said whispered, I wanted to yell I wanted to scream. Leo's hands were shaking he pulled the blades away from me. I snarled and lunched at him, I should grab them and run, run far away. Leo gently put a soft hand on my chest. "Donnie..." He said to me gently. I mumbled under my breath. "Donatello breath." He said to me. I wanted to pull away but was too weak. Too tired.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..." I sobbed. He wasn't mad, he was sad. I wanted to fight this feeling  I wanted to be mad, mad at myself at my family. At Casey and April, at shredder. At myself. At the  depression growing like cancer inside me. On the emotions that killed me, how they twisted inside ripping into my mind telling me things I hated and never wanted to do the cutting, the suicidal feeling that wouldn't stop that followed me through the day and the darkness. How it was swallowed me whole in an enveloped welcome.

I  collapsed into him. I wasn't ready to fight these feelings, but they took over me. When had Leo ever tried to help to save me? My head challenged. I built a sob. Right now, right now he was here. Leo held me softly his rough hands wrapped themselves around me. Fight. Anger. Betrayal. Anger. Left behind. Anger. Anger coursed through me, Leo slipped his hands softly around my own. "Donnie its okay to give him...its okay to fall," He said. I frowned. "Because...we're right here...right here to catch you this battle shouldn't be, it isn't about fighting your family. Its not about... About how April gets Casey... It isn't about fighting yourself either. This about us. About this family we have to fight Shredder. Not you... Not alone. You understand?" Leo whispered. But it was about me wasn't it? Fight. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Anger. Sadness.  I whimpered. My head was too loud what did it want? It was mad, but it was also tired and ready to give in... It wanted to give in... I wanted to give in and I was ready. I was falling, I was falling further than I already knew.
I closed my eyes resting my head into my brothers chest sobbing.
Leo picked me up careful of where to hold me, careful of the tune he softly carried to calm me. Careful of the slow steps. I didn't know where I was but I felt safe and warm. I heard nothing but the focus on my brother his slow careful breathing leaning into his touch I whimpered. I felt him take my wrists carefully and clean and bandage them. I fell asleep soon after. Not sure where I was, not sure what was happening but for the first time in months I didn't care.