Tortuous

Letters.

            After Nico's sentencing ,I quit the police force in hope that Nico would hear of it and come back to me despite what I had done. I had been undercover for 4 years and of course the job would get to you but it changed me. It gave me love, lost, betrayal, and the idea of who the people in the mafia really were. They were people and they cared.  I found myself in my room and re-reading all of our text messages.
Me: Good morning. How did you sleep.
          (You set your nickname to Kathy "kissy emoji")
Nico: Why are you changing your nickname to something else."
Me: I don't like that basic ass heart.
        (Nico set your nickname to Kathy "red heart")
Nico: Is that okay for you? Is it up to your standards?
Me: No
Nico: But I like it.
Me: I'll leave it only because you like it.
Nico: Lol you just made me smile but wow I'm surprised.
Me: Lol you always smile.
Nico: You think so?
Me: I Know so.
Nico: Oh you do?
Me: Yeah I do and I just wanna see you.
Nico: I miss you and I'm excited to see you tomorrow.
Me: Are you really? I miss you more.
Two years later, I found myself re-reading the messages over the years. It made me remember that no one can hurt me as much as Nico. It's like he consumes all of me. The problem is in us. Me. January 17, January 31, February 6, February 20, and February 21. Those are the dates when I couldn't keep pretending to put on this brave face and act like my feelings never existed. That this was just a job for me. Those days were the resurfacing of not only all the tears but the tormenting memories of what used to be. Like this pain didn't hurt, like loving him wasn't optional. People tell me that I should stay strong but how can I act like nothing's wrong with me? I miss his love so much that pretending destroys me. I thought that I didn't love myself as much as I should have. I was right that I didn't love myself at all. If I did I would've let myself be happy. Choosing to listen to the part of myself that doesn't let me be happy because of me always thinking I'm happy and then it's ripped away from. That's why I always chose her because she's always to protected me from people that would destroy me. But this time she destroyed me, that's why I finally hated her because Nico was the one that truly made me happy. And She took that away from me but I can't hate her. I can only thank for making me want to become a better person so that the next person that comes I won't have to doubt them. So I found myself writing a letter, a letter to Nico because I shouldn't have left things the way they were. I needed closure in my decision I made to walk away. I needed for him to know why I did it.
Dear, Nico
Hey, I heard you've been out for a year now. And I know that you don't want to hear from me.  But I'm writing this anyways because I just wanted to explain why I did it. I felt that there were many words unspoken between us, and I wanted to make sure that I said them and sent them to you. The last words that were spoken shouldn't be ones of sorrow, apology and regret. I won't address you as anything (less) and I won't speak bad about you because you meant a lot.  I don't want to say goodbye because goodbye means going away and forgetting each other. You and I will meet again, whether it's in the next lifetime, 20 years from now, or in some random place. I want to think that it's the time we spent together that matters and not how we left it. We left it pretty bad. We left it with so many unspoken words, we left it without a fight, we left it without looking back,and we left it how we found it: with feelings and distance between us. When you left me the first time for a relationship with Stacy, I didn't see that coming. In that moment I felt that pain that I was afraid to feel and I know that you didn't want to stop being my friend that year. But you did. When that happened I was afraid that you saw too much of the real me and decided to leave.  I have this mentality that everyone leaves me eventually and so I make sure that never happens. So when I did those things, I thought eventually you would never forgive me for this anyways.  I knew I couldn't bear to watch you walk out my life like last time. So I decided I would walk out before you would. By doing that I'm the one that leaves first that way I never feed that mentality.  I know that you said you wouldn't leave again but now look at us. We don't talk anymore, you don't want anything to do with me and I get that. I probably deserve that.  I'm not making excuses for what I did but I want you to know why I did it because you deserve to know. You also deserve to know that everything I told you wasn't a lie, I meant every word said in the conversations we held. My feelings were real, they still are. I thought if I got too close it would feel like you're exposing me, I knew that If I let myself fall for you then I'll start to miss you. And that scares me.   After I ended it I knew that I'll be regretting my decision constantly, kicking myself to no end. When you said those words, it hurt. I can't take it back. I wanted to reach out to you for months to have that one on one conversation to tell you things that I was afraid of you knowing. You don't know how much I miss the late night car conversations, the beautiful good morning texts, your jokes,your smile, and just everything about you. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss YOU so fucking much it hurts. Excuse my language but it's true. If not loving you is what it takes for me to let go then I will never let go. When I come crawling back to you, you'll have every right to say I don't want anything to do with you.
Sincerely,
Kathy
Email Sent.
A few months later, I received a letter addressed to me. To my surprise it was from Nico. My Nico. After 3 long months he had finally reached out to me. Maybe he wanted me back or maybe he wrote a hate letter telling me to screw myself. I prepared myself for what the letter contained and so I began to open it. He wrote:
Dear, Kathy
I'm not a big writer in fact you know that I hate writing. When I received your letter I was compelled to write mine after months of ignoring you thinking that if I ignored you or blocked you that I would be able to move on. But I can't. Somehow writing this makes me feel connected to you. You know I'm not good on expressing how I feel compared to you. I'm just a chill relaxed person that thinks when something bad happens that it is what it is. Looking back on everything that happened I was wrong I should've listened to you more, I should've told you the truth from the beginning, and I should've fought for you. Now I have to live with the fact that you're gone. That's on me. But you left me with just "I just can't do this anymore." And that's on you. I felt betrayed and lied to because you said you'll never do that. You're betrayal is a crumpling feeling. It's a feeling that makes me desperate for attention, approval, and affection. It makes me feel unworthy. It makes me not want to trust anyone ever again. It literally annihilated my self-esteem. I wasn't worried that you would end up hurting me like Stacy did. I was never comparing you and her because It was always you. I was worried that you would do worse than hurt me but that you would DESTROY ME. There you are holding the strings that are constraining me and I feel like everybody is watching the one person who can't move. Me. I am at my most vulnerable and I have no idea how to snip the strings and move it is indescribably awful and no amount of kind words that you say in your letter can lift me out of my grief. It is the finality of it all and the fact that I had no say. It hurts. It hurts every time you call me and I hear your voice, it hurts to receive your back to back messages of how you're sorry, and that you didn't mean to do it. It hurt to get your letter. It hurts, why can't you get that? Why are you constantly making me suffer for something you did? It's exhausting to relive the tormenting memories of us. I do miss you terribly but I know letting you go won't be easy. loving you wasn't. But I want to do right by you even when it hurts me like hell.
Sincerely,
Nico
I sat silently, trying to process everything that Nico said in the letter. I gaze into the far distance, unseeing but fixed on some imaginary future of a life without the love of my life. A tightening of my throat and a short intake of breath made an explosion of emotion come out, the emotions that I had managed to keep buried deep inside all came out. The warm, salty tears were flooding my cheeks and dripping off my chin. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but all that came out were deep, painful sobs that tore through my chest. I was shaking, gasping, then I remembered I wasn't alone so I held my mouth so no one could hear the heartbreak I was experiencing again. Hearing from him made me realize that I couldn't keep breaking my own heart and his over and over again just because I can't let go. So leaving this city and starting over is what is best for Nico and I. I want him to move on, trust again, let himself fall for someone again and to be happy. I've always just wanted the best for him and I wasn't what was best for him. I finally see that being in love without being consciously aware it, can only do damage to the soul and be unhinging if you realize it to late or if you're not open to the idea of letting love in.