"We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Toby James Cavanaugh."
I sit back on the wooden bench willing myself not to cry in front of the kids. I hadn't really accepted that he's gone until today. But he is. About to go into the ground and never come out again. Never get to hear him speak again, never hear his heartbeat, never see his blue eyes open again, never feel his lips on mine. I wanted a closed coffin so it wouldn't upset the kids seeing him like that: pale and lifeless. Even though the coffin's closed I can still see his body with the sonogram picture tucked into his left hand. I can feel the girls eyes on me, burning into the back of my skull with pain and sorrow. I look to my left to see Matthew snuggling up to Toby's father Daniel, not really knowing what's going on. Daniel, Toby and me got very close after Toby's diagnosis. Daniel shoots me a sympathetic look before returning his attention back to the priest. Katie nudges my arm, beckoning me towards her.
She whispers in my ear. "Mummy why's the priest saying all these things about daddy?"
I hear a gasp from behind me to see a middle aged woman gawking at us. Probably a stuck-up distant aunt of Toby's or something. I shoot her a dirty look before answering Katie.
"Daddy went up to heaven baby."
"But why? Wasn't he happy down here? I thought he liked it."
I gulp. "Erm he didn't want to go baby, but-but it was his time to go up."
"Oh." Katie says, lifting my arm up indicating she wants a hug.
I look over at Sophie who's staring straight ahead at the coffin tears streaming down her face. I reach out with my free hand to grab hers but she flinches when my hand meets hers and wraps them around herself.
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I sigh and look forward at his coffin. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry but I can't hold the tears in anymore. They slide down my face and Katie must have heard my muffled sobs.
"Don't worry mummy, daddy's not gone he's up there." She whispers pointing up.
I give her a small smile before I hear the woman from earlier whisper to her friend.
"She's such a bad mother, her own child comforting her. Those kids won't last a minute with her now the father's gone. And there's another on the way. Typical. How is she meant to be a single mother to 4 kids? It's not possible."
I can't hold it in any longer and turn to face her. "With all due respect ma'am it is possible because I'm doing it right now and I think I'm doing an better job at raising these children than you would and I'm dealing with the death of my husband so unless I'd suggest you stop whispering about my family and keep that mouth of yours shut."
She looks at me shocked but I smile knowing that Toby's laughing in his grave and what I just did.
