2 a.m.

One day I won't remember

I can block what happened
out completely,
at least the parts,
that my mind is solely responsible for thinking.
But I can't control
the nightmares
or the pain
of a stomachache
that reminds me
of the pain you caused
my body,
and when my body hurts
my brain does too.
Trauma doesn't go away,
it only changes over time,
and things hurt differently.
It wasn't my fault,
I couldn't have stopped it,
it happened,
and that will never change.
What has changed since
now and then,
is now,
I have hope that one day
nothing will remind me anymore.
Back then,
the list of things that reminded me
never ended.
I want to sleep,
but I don't want to have a nightmare
about it.
I'll sleep anyways,
because I'm brave enough to face it
now.
Back then,
I would have stayed awake,
because I wasn't
strong
enough.
I had no control
over what you did to my body.
But I wish I wouldn't have let you
see the pain on my face.
I have spent years
retracing my steps
and years of thought,
have led me to the conclusion
that there was nothing I could have done
to avoid you.
I tell myself
and everyone else,
I was just an easy target
a coincidental victim,
the wrong place
the wrong time.
But I know
you were always
dead set
on hurting
me.
So I'll go to bed
with a faint stomachache
and hope that when I awake again
in a few hours,
it will be gone,
and so will the thought
of that,
and I pray,
thoughts of sweeter things,
replace it all.

March 26th, 2019