Twilight//Woosan

31

"God fucking damn it, why cant you do anything right?!" San yelled, throwing the bedside lamp against the wall. He watched it shatter and thought it represented his life pretty well right now, thinking back to how Wooyoung had confessed just minutes before everything fell apart.

He screamed, gripping his hair, willing the memories away as he leaned over. He stood straight and turned, gripping the bedside table. He picked it up and threw it like it was made of paper, atleast working at the docks all those years actually came to something. He watched it splinter and fell to his knees, breath coming out in harsh pants and hands shaking like an addict that hasn't gotten his fix.

"Why?" He whispered hoarsly, throat still sore from Seojun and now from the screaming. He looked around the room and clenched his fists. It was a mess, bed torn apart, lamp and bed table shattered in pieces.

"Why?" He asked a bit louder than before, squeezing his hands tighter.

"Why the fuck didnt I do anything?!" San yelled, smacking himself on the side of his head, gritting his teeth against the impact. It wasnt hard enough. He was too weak to even do this right. Hongjoong was right, he was nothing but a weak baby who couldnt even hurt himself properly.  San clenched his teeth again, raising his fist but was stopped by a knock against his room door.

"San?" Seonghwa's soft voice filtered through the door and San bit his lip. He was so close, why did they have to come now?

"San, come on, open the door or I'll open it for you" Mingi's voice followed and San growled lowly. Why couldnt they just fucking leave? He reached forward and grabbed a piece of the splintered table.

"Alright, we're coming in then" San gripped the piece again, debating whether to use it on himself or them. The door began to creak open and San decided.

"Fucking leave!" He yelled, throwing the wood at the door. He watched as it splintered even more, falling to the ground.

"Holy shit! San, what the fuck?!" Mingi yelled, slamming the door shut. San heaved a breath, glaring the door. He felt tears build up in his eyes again and bit his lip harder. He could have hurt them, he really was no good.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, voice cracking. At this point he didnt know if he was apologizing to them or to Wooyoung for not being able to help him. Maybe it was both.

"I- I'm sorry" he sobbed, falling forward onto his hands. His arms were shaking and he struggled to stay up, body rocking with the force of his cries. He didnt hear the door open again, jumping when he felt hands on him. He looked up when someone grabbed him, shaking his head. He sat up and tried to make the hands leave. Shaking his body, he yelled again.

"Don't- dont touch me!" He grabbed the hand and tried to move it away. He cursed himself for being weak again, not able to move the other away. He gave up on trying to hit the people around him and aimed for himself, slamming his fist into his thigh with a hiss. That was better, at least he felt that one. He repeated the motion, slamming his fist down again and again until his wrist was grabbed.

"Stop it, let me go!" He struggled to move his arm, jerking it back. He growled and swung with his other hand but never connected as it was grabbed as well. He jerked forward, trying to make them let go.

"Let me go!" He thrashed and one of the people behind him grunted with effort to hold him.

"San! Calm down, you have to stop!" Seonghwa's voice came from behind him.

"Seonghwa let me go! I deserve it, please let me go!" San yelled, slowly stopped his movement. He fell forward and hung between them with his head down.