The worst thing about life is the lack of a first choice.
The choice between existing and not.
Life is a gift given to me.
I am a gift given to life.
But don't you know? Don't you know about the gifts for which you've gotta put a fake smile on for and say through gritted teeth "yes, this is what I wanted."
"Thank you."
I'm a gift who laughs in your face through tears, who mocks you for the fact that you have to pretend to have wanted me, for the fact that I didn't want you either.
Now I'm stuck. I was bound to exist, because it was decided so for me by someone who's not me.
I do not want to keep living, but I do not want to die, because I'd be causing pain to everyone either way, I'd be a sinner either way.
You didn't give me a choice of living or not back then, but if I want, I could end my life now. Was that intentional? Was that your attempt at giving everyone a choice nonetheless? If so, you were foolish, life. It's everyone else's choice yet again, not mine.
Do they prefer a huge bang of pain at once as I slowly fade from their memories afterwards or do they prefer a long drawn out stream of suffering caused by me still being here?
Will I ever have the guts to ask them?
