Her and I

∆ Chapter Nineteen ∆

My eyes opened over an hour ago but I couldn't force myself out of bed because my mind will not stop racing with the feelings and images of last night. 

Soon I hear footsteps to my door and then a knock.  My door opens a second after and my mother walks through.  I smile brightly and she looks me up and down. 

Something is off

"Good morning Mom. " I say,  kind of questioning. 

"Your father is already at work.  Get dressed and come down stairs please,  Des." She states firmly and I feel a lump in my throat.

My good mood immediately  went away and now I could practically feel the beads of sweat running down the side of my face.  I throw on a quick T-shirt and jeans before decending down the flight of stairs. 

My mother is pacing back and forth slowly.  Her hand running through her hair and I have the sudden urge to run right back up those stairs.  I behind to turn when-

"Des.  Come here please. "

I sigh and continue down the stairs until I am about five feet away from her. 

"What's up,  Mom? " I ask and she points to the couch.  I sit and look up at her. 

"So.  I had you phone and I just want to give you the opportunity  to say anything before I ask. " she says. 

I couldn't even form words as my mind scrambled to think about anything that she could have been mad at.  I didn't have anything in my phone except.... The texts...

"Uhmm- I - I don't have anything to say. " I whisper my eyes looking to the ground not knowing what was coming next. 

"What are these then.  Please explain it to me. " she says,  her tone something I have never heard. 

I looked at the texts from Jensen.  Of course they were from Jensen. 

Jensen : I loved spending time with you. 

Jensen : I am excited to see you beautiful

I felt my eyes watering but I tried to hold any tears back as I set the phone down. 

"That's just how we talk.  Its a girl thing. " I say,  my voice giving me no credibility. 

"Don't lie to me Des. " Again,  her tone was not one I enjoyed.  She was angry but she was trying to hide it. 

"I'm not lying. " I say,  getting defensive as I stand. 

"Sit. " she says,  her voice demanding and I do as she says.  My eyes are still casted to the ground. "I don't know what to even say to you right now.... How long?"

"How long what Mom?! " I ask. Desperation in my voice.  Longing to get out of this situation.  It wasn't supposed to come out like this. 

"How long have you been Gay?" She asks.  Anger and confusion laced withing each word and the last felt like acid as she spit it at me. 

"How long have I been alive? " I ask back and she looks at me.  Its silent between us.  Silence in this entire fucking house.

"Your father cannot know.  He will be so fucking devastated." She whispers,  her hand over her mouth. 

I feel my heart fall, this particular type of pain thumping in my chest with every beat of my heart.  Only certain people know what this type of pain feels like.  Its nearly physical. The disappointment and misunderstanding  about how the fuck you feel. 

"He will be devastated?  What about how I feel? " I ask and my mother looks at me sharply. 

"You don't get to feel like this.  Not around your father.  Not around me.  He can not know. I wont be the one to tell  him and you will not let this conversation escape this room.  Whatever you are feeling  you need to shove it down deep.  Don't let me catch you doing this again.  Delete the messages and that girl from your contacts.  Do not make me do it myself Des. " She demands before walking off upstairs. 

My eyes watered as I quickly erased each text and hovered over Jensen's name.  I  get up and go outside before sending another text. 

Des : No questions.  Please come get me. 

I delete the message and her contact before shutting off my phone and grabbing my shoes and my keys. I go to the couch and put on my shoes,  my emotions running wild as I feel so much anger and sadness. 

I knew this is how she'd react and I didn't want to tell her.  Ever. until I was married to the girl of my dreams.  I look out the window and see Jensen's truck and she gets out heading up to my house.  Just as my mother begins to walk down the steps I rush out of the house,  gripping Jensen's hand quickly and running with her to her truck. 

"Des!  Get back here!" I hear just as I climb into the truck. .

"Go Jensen! " I shout and she peels off, tires screeching against the asphalt making my back hit her seat. 

I look as we rush through he streets,  taking turns and curves to get away from my mother.  I glance over at her to see shock still in her eyes before she pulls off into a dirt path and parks. 

"Wanna tell me what the fuck is happening Des? " she asks,  her eyes looking into mine. 

"I don't want to talk about it.. " I say and run my hands through my hair. 

"Well I want to talk about it since I practically kidnapped you. " she scoffs,  looking back to the dirt path in front of us and I laugh lightly. 

"Its not kidnap,  I came on my own accord." I pause briefly, letting my eyes take her in as the sun shines through the side window.  "Look at me. "

Jensen's perfect face turns and her eyes connecting with mine as she looks over at me.  "My mom found out I am gay.  She didn't take it very well.  She made me delete your contact and she saw our messages.  She's disgusted with me and she told me that my father can't know. " I take a big breath,  "He'd kill me. " I say honestly and I feel her hand under mine,  intertwining our fingers and gently squeezes. 

"It'll be okay. That was completely fucker of her and I wish I could have been there for you." She gently runs her thumb over my knuckles and I look down at our hands, " Here,  take this. " she reaches into her glove box and grabs out a flip phone,  obviously  a burner and I pretend to gag. 

"Ew, what is that? " I ask playfully, laughing lightly as I look over at her. 

"Its our  way to stay in touch. " she says seriously and suddenly my joking mood changed to one of admiration. 

"You are something else Jensy... "