Indecisive Dreaming

i'm worried about being a fake

(A/N: Sorry, in advance, for the rant. I think it's a relatable issue, and I'd love to hear your opinions.)

The Fake Geek Girl meme appeared on my Tumblr dashboard today. Naturally, I googled it, and went on a research hunt, which eventually led me to spot a few articles about "how to spot a fake geek girl". Looking for a laugh, I read through these articles, but oh my, what I shock I was in for.

In short, I'm worried that I might have become a poser geek without realizing it. I have, before, labeled myself as a geek, mostly because the term "band geek" is commonly used in school, and I'm pretty heavily involved for someone who isn't actually a section leader.

The thing that really got to me was when the article described how the fake geek girl wears t-shirts related to a fandom she knows nothing about, and I own a Batman t-shirt. Much of the criteria for being a geek seems to stem from a knowledge of superheroes, something I'm not all that into, and yes, I do wear a Batman t-shirt without knowledge of a fandom, and simply because I liked the logo.

I continued my research, all the while beginning to dread that I was a fake. I mean, sure, I have an unhealthy obsession with a couple of fandoms, but most of the other things I enjoy are things I only do casually. For example, I like Star Wars, yet I don't know any trivia. I like Terry Pratchett, but I only own six of his books. I love New Who, but I've never seen a single episode beyond Christopher Eccleston.

Most of my other obsessions are non-Internet based. I'm very much obsessed with my instruments, the clarinet and alto sax, as well as marching band in general, yet I don't really love any particular real-life band. Sure, I enjoy a bit of Green Day, Fall Out Boy, All Time Low, Queen, ABBA, and Muse, but I couldn't recognize the members.

I also have a thing for words and lexicography. I've been known as the "Walking Dictionary", and in my foreign language classes, I'm always in demand because I have a really good memory for words and I love language, but this isn't really classified as a geeky pursuit. I own five different dictionaries, three thesauruses, a collection of unusual words, and a copy of the Cambridge Encyclopedia of Language, yet the Internet doesn't consider this type of passion geeky. To be classified as a geek, you have to play video games and watch anime in a dark corner.

Does this mean I'm a poser, and have been for the entire time? I don't like anime, although I try to draw it, and I really don't like Star Trek. I don't own any fandom merch and I probably never will. There are things- like chibi and superhero logos- where I like the style, but I know none of the backstory, or anything else about the genre. I don't write any real fanfiction or draw any real fanart, just crappy YouTuber things.

The other thing was that geeks are often classified as gamers. My DS doesn't have anything but the Brain Training games, a puzzle game, and a card games program. I don't own a PlayStation or Xbox, and this really threw me off. 

Then, I discovered a Venn diagram. The criteria for geek included "intelligence" and "obsession", whereas nerd was "intelligence", "obsession", and "social ineptitude". A dweeb was a person who was intelligent and socially inept. 

Suddenly, it's become cool to be a geek or a nerd, or be socially awkward, but I've never thought of it that way. I'm horrible at reading emotions and handling situations, but that doesn't mean I'm socially awkward. I can hold conversations- at least most of the time. My real worry, though, is that I'm not obsessed enough, that my passions and interests aren't as deep as they should be or haven't been going on for long enough. 

There are really only a few topics about which I can talk for hours and quote, namely Doctor Who, Dan and Phil, marching band, the English language (I'm a sesquipedalian verbivore and bibliomaniac) and HHG2G. Does this make me a poser? Have I been faking my geekiness all this time? Am I truly just one of the hipster masses, attempting to catch on? 

I realized this not long after reading @TakenByTheAngels' essay about nerds, so I figured she deserved a dedication. There you go, Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All.