If Life Went My Way

Panic attacks

[3 months after the rape. In the courthouse. About to hear the verdict]

"I find you, George Hobbler, guilty on the account of rape" and he bangs his gavel.

[Time forward: home]

As mommy led me inside I felt sick, again.
"Momm-" I barfed all over the floor at our door. She sighed and led me around the mess.
"Its okay munchkin. Accidents happen" my cat (I finally got her to live with me) meowed at the presence of her owners returning home.
I got a tummy bug last week and it's been more than annoying. I've been throwing up all over and I barely get any sleep because of how hot I am.
I started feeling resistance when I had to use the potty, meaning I had to take another pill.
"Mommy"
"Yes munchkin?"
"Pill" she just nodded. She didn't like that I had to take pills to stay incontinent. But she knew that after a while I wouldn't need them any more so she dealt with it for now.
She gave me a bottle and a pill. I took both happily.
I wanted to try a thing tonight. I've always wanted to see or be incontinent and poop in pants. So I was gonna see if mommy would let me wear trainer pants tonight.
While I was half way through my bottle, I went to ask her.
"Mommy?"
"Yes munchkin?"
"Can I pwease have twaining pants tonight?" She said I could and got me a pink one. She helped me in it and I felt super exicted. I always poo-poo when I sleep so I knew today would be no different.
Mommy took me to my crib, my cat followed us, and tucked me in for bed.
When I woke up, surprise surprise, I was messy and wet. But I didn't leak. I pushed some and poo-poo came into my trainy pants. It looked like a ball on under me.
I wanted to wear jeans and poo-poo in them. I called for mommy.
She walked in and saw I needed a change. She changed me and put a diapee on me. I told her I wanted jeans, so she gave me a very girly pair. They pressed my diapee quite a bit, so it had less room to hold.
I waddled out of my room and sat on the floor, mommy turned on my cartoons and gave me a bottle.
I pee-peed in my diapee while I was watching them and it leaked much faster than it usually did because of the jeans. Mommy didn't notice so I took this moment to push as much poo-poo into my diapee as I could.
It started to leak down my legs and fill up my butt spot. I enjoyed this feeling.
Now mommy noticed the smell
She saw the utter mess I was and just simply changed me, but didn't give me jeans.
My cat came over and curled up on my diapee. I stroked her and she purred. She ran off when I started to pee under her.
"Mommy!"
"Yes munchkin?"
"Milky!" She went and made me a bottle and gave it to me. I sucked on it contently. When I finished I just layed on my back, bored.
"Wanna go to the Play Place?" I sat up. But I didn't look excited, I was actually very nervous. Going out in public has been a big struggle for me since the GEL. I shyly nodded.
She knew I was still a little nervous so she wouldn't have forced me to go if I didnt want to.
"Okie dokie. First before we leave, you little one, need a bath" she picked me up and brought me to the bathroom for my bath. She undressed me and took off my diapee then helped me into the tub when it was a quarterish full and put some bubble soap in it.
It was nice and warm. I relaxed as mommy scrubbed my hair and body. I felt the need to poop again. I didn't have time to warn mommy before I started involuntary pushing the massive pile of poo-poo into the bath. Mommy noticed my strained face and stopped washing my hair.
"Munchkin?" I just finished poo-pooing when I looked up at her with an embarrassed look. "Did you just make a poopy in the bath?" I nervously nodded my head and began to cry.
She sighed and began to drain the tub. She walked out to get the stuff to clean the tub with. When the tub drained, I was sitting in a big pile of poopy.
Mommy came back in, helped me out and cleaned me, and cleaned the tub.
She put me in a swimmy diapee and put me back in the bath. When she was done, she took off my diapee and quickly washed my parts.
She dried me and put me in my pink dinosaur onesie and overalls and sneakers. Then she grabbed my diapee bag and we got in the car to leave.
When we got there, I was very nervous. What if that little boy was there? What if they all knew what happened? What if they make fun of me for it? What if.....what if......
I began to hyperventilate as all the things that could happen came to my mind and my heart began to race. I grabbed my hair in my fists and started to panic. Everyone knew, they're gonna make fun of me, it's gonna happen again, I'm gonna fall into another spiral. I need it, I NEED IT!!
"Baby calm down. Everything's okay" I heard my mommy say beside me. She hugged me, but ever since 'that' happened, it was hard to be that close to anyone. I jerked away and continued to breakdown.
Mommy rubbed circles on my back which helped a lot. I began to breathe normal. She wiped the tears from my face, I didn't notice I was crying, or that I puked on myself. I did my best to push all my thoughts away so I could function properly.
"Baby?" I looked at mommy.
"If you don't want to you don't have to go to daycare today" I shook my head. If I never faced them I would never be able to.
"I'll go" I said quietly. She nodded changed my outfit in the trunk and picked me up to lead me into the daycare with my diapee bag. I was still nervous and my eyes were still puffy from what just happened.
I haven't had a panic attack in years, I thought I was better. Evidently not.
When we got to the desk in the back, I once again saw the mother and her devil spawn. I hid my face in mommies shoulder so I couldn't see the looks I knew they were giving me.
Mommy led me inside and sat me near Mark.
Mark saw I was a little more sad today than usual, so he crawled closer and gave me a hug. I like hugs, but not at the moment. My breathing hitched and picked up. He noticed and let go.
I was falling into another spiral. All my emotion was gone, everything lost importance. I can't feel anything. I need to feel something.
I looked down, I had been absentmindedly scratching my arm with my nail, now it was bleeding. I'm going back. I found Crysty and told her I needed a Bandaid. She gave me one and I went to play with Mark again.
To everyone, I was noticeably more quiet, sad, and flat out detached. The boy didn't even say anything through most of the morning. Most of the staff kept giving me worried or pitiful glances. Making me closer and closer to another panic attack.
I threw up again during nap time. The workers just cleaned it and me, and put me back to bed.
The sinking feeling in the pit of my tummy, the feeling I thought had left me so long ago, had been growing stronger and stronger all day.
When the boy finally did speak to me, I guess he'd been trying to figure out insults all morning, he walked over to us and took the block I was holding and began to taunt me with it. I didnt care, I was used to this kind of treatment through my childhood. I just stared at him sadly and at the same time blankly.
"Why are you not mad? I'm taking your stuff! Your supposed to be mad!"
"I don't care anymore. Take all you want" he looked like I just slapped him with a fish.
"Who wouldn't be mad at me taking their stuff? A freak! Only a freak wouldn't be mad!" I just kept staring at him.
"YOUR A FREAK!!" He screamed in my face. Close enough to send me into another panic attack. I screamed at him, not words, just a scream. And curled up onto the floor shaking and crying. All the bad memories and thoughts and doubts consuming me.
I blacked in and out of consciousness seeing different things in front of me. Sometimes it was a memory, others it was real life. I felt myself vomit again but I didn't bother to wipe my mouth.
I don't know when it stopped, but when it did, I never wanted to wake up.