Going Pear Shaped. A tale of wizards, lizards and galvanised tubing salesmen.

Chapter 5: 'Don't rush me, it's been a long time.'

Going Pear Shaped: Chapter 5: 'Don't rush me, it's been a long time.'

The statue of Ezeakus Wagstaff jerked stiffly around to face them. There was a gasp from Norris.  Cadmus started rummaging desperately amongst the folds of his robe again.

'We are honoured, Oh Great Wizard,' said Father Bindweed.

'Dever bind dat, where's by dose?' the statue said.

'Er, it fell off,' said Cadmus.  'I, um, kept it for you.  Oh, look!  Here it is.'

Cadmus held out the chain with the stone nose dangling from it.  The statue snatched it from him and pressed it onto its face.  The nose glowed for a few seconds as it fused itself back on.

 'That's better,' it said, patting the stone proboscis gently.

'Do you have a message, for us?' asked Cadmus, hoping it wouldn't notice the chain, which now dangled from its nose.

'Message?  Oh yes.  A message.  That's right.'  The statue cleared its throat and coughed.  A handful of pebbles flew over Norris's head and rattled off the wall behind him.

'Ahem.  I have a message of the greatest importance to deliver.'

There was a pause.

'Well?' said Cadmus.  'Go on.'

'Don't rush me, it's been a long time.  Where was I?'

'The message! Now!' said Cadmus, again.

'Ah yes.  Ahem.  I have a message of the greatest...' who's he?'  He pointed at Norris.

'Look, just tell us what the damn message is,' said Cadmus, getting agitated.

'Let me try,' said Father Bindweed and stepped forward.

'O Great Wizard, your beloved city of Port Packham is under grave threat from an approaching hoard of warriors.  Their warlords are already drawing up their plans to invade and conquer.  Perhaps you have something to tell us that can help us in our hour of need?'

'Please?' added Cadmus.

The statue jerked its head, stiffly.

'Ah, I remember,' it said.

'Hang on,' said Cadmus, as he produced a scrap of parchment from one of his pockets and removed a stub of charcoal from behind his ear.  He licked the end of the stub and poised it over the paper.  'OK.  Off you go,' he said.

The weathered lips of the statue moved.  It spoke:

'You must retrieve a most powerful and magical artefact - the Lost Pearl of Wisdom.  It will provide you with the unlimited knowledge and power that you need to defeat the hordes.'

There was a long pause.  Cadmus stopped writing and looked up.  

'Is that it?'

The statue nodded.  'That's it.  Want me to say it again?'

'I thought you were going to tell us to Prepare for your Return.  That you were going to Call Forth Thunderbolts down from the heavens on the heads of the enemy.  That you would Cast Powerful Spells to surround the city with an Invisible Wall Of Impenetrable Magical Force.'

'Nope,' said the statue.

'But what are we supposed to do with this…  this Lost Pearl of Wisdom thing?  And where can we find it?'

'Well, if I knew that, it wouldn't be lost, would it?' snapped the statue.  'Oh yes, and there's one other thing.  The Pearl is cursed.  Nothing in existence can remove it from its resting place or will destroy itself and all those responsible.