Sad Tragedy

Officiation

Post-examination
  Friday. The day where every single student my age has been waiting, dying and intriguing for since I don't know? Maybe a long time ago, even before all the stressful shit started.

  Today was our last paper, and final time together as a cohort meeting each other in school, or at least within the grounds of the dreadful school premises. While the last paper didn't spell the words 'easy' for me at any chance since it was accounting principles, my mind was still hugely relieved to have conquered such a major, mind-boggling examination. It's just really lucky that I didn't jump off a building or drown in my bath from all that accumulation of stress and whatnot, because whenever I think of dying, I think of my crush-boyfriend (I still hadn't officiate anything between him and me, and I don't really know what to call him since he also like me) and also the group of girls I sworn affiliation to at the very beginning of the year, whom had always been by my side each time I really needed them.

  While having constant suicidal thoughts may not be unusual for youths my age, especially under circumstances of grave and intense pressure being exerted socially and academically, the act of actually doing and going forward with what your mind perceive as best for the moment — which is to just end it all — is rarer. And I'd admit, over the course of fourteen intense days resembling me being cooked alive slowly in a furnace, I've had attempted suicide during my bath. There were  two occasions where I tried to but failed miserably because of all that positive thoughts suddenly flushing my life relentlessly the immediate second I place my head under the soapy bath waters in my tub. I don't know why, but my brain acts weirdly — cause every time when I really needed even a singularity of positive thoughts, my mind'd never squeeze out even one single ounce of it for me. However, whenever I am overwhelmed by too may negative and pressing thoughts that results in me attempting to drown myself in my bathtub (that two occasions), all the much-needed positivity and whatnot would just come flushing in like it has accumulated for all too long at the back of my brain.

  Nevertheless, although having suicidal thoughts, and even the basis of acting upon such thoughts didn't struck me at any given capacity that I might be suffering from depression, even a little bit of it. I simply just brushed the thoughts of me having any mental instability aside and replaced with me just having a period of breakdown from the heavy stress and pressure from the loads over loads of unforgiving work, revision and study that I had to do or complete in order to fulfil my dreams or my obligation to be a good offspring to my parents by getting a good job, proficient academics and nice wife and kids which I will never be able to give them cause you know, I'm gay and unfortunately and sadly am not out of the closet to my parents, let alone extended family yet. I am not even out to all of my friends except the closest of the closest ones — just the girl squad and my ex-boyfriend.

However so, since it was the last paper and also a not so important one even if I failed it given that its part of an elective thing, I lightened my mood and thought process for the first time in over fourteen days and faced the paper with much positivity even though there was a quarter of questions that were either too hard or just too confusing for me to understand even if it was considered at many others' standards to be easily conquerable. Don't get me wrong, I'd study extremely hard and revised for this subject of accounting every chance I got as I full well knew my standards in this subject was on par with that of maths — which was miscible at best, but its in the figures, writing and principality of it that I simply just don't get even with the help of my course teacher. Regardless, it was a doomed path since I took on it back last year given the consistent failures I've been receiving, with the exception of two topics which was of most fundamental simplicity.

And so it goes. The final two hours of this dreadful exam has come to a solemn conclusion at the ring of the bell and the command of the invigilator. As my paper was lifted off from my table and collected into the arms of the invigilator, I heaved a sigh of relieve and, at that very instance, a intermittent rush of positivity and happy thoughts begun bombarding my brain, with the first of it being to celebrate this marvellous day with my soon-to-be boyfriend, because oh, its time that we committed to something and officiated our unconditional love for each other. For far too long, we've been dragging and brushing the love factor in our relationship off into the dust because of school and whatnot and I simply just can't bear to go on with the thought of him infiltrating my mind every single time I talk to him, see him or profess my unforgiving affection to and for him. I don't know if that's what he thinks or feels but I hope my love-dar works right and accurately that he thinks the same about me and our relationship.