Scribbles

better me

The made-up version of you
Haunts my days and turns my nights blue
Deceives me into thinking
Of everything that has me clinging
On to the pictures of you
That are so far from being true

I was okay
I let my heart out to play
It was fine
I was fine

I have something so good now
Something i worked so hard and so long to figure out
But why do you still exist as the perfect slither of a doubt?
Poking at my brain with your smile and yourself being so happy
Never once hinting at my brain that you're actually so fucking crappy.

I don't want to cry anymore
For the same smile that you wore
Day after day while i never asked for more

Was that version of me enough for you?
Who even was i before i even grew
The empty shell of a human being
The version that was so fleeing

I keep thinking
What was it even that we had?
Just me idolising someone in my head?
At what cost?
You over my happiness?
You over my thoughts and you that made me a mess?

Why?
Why do i still cry over you?
What is it that still pulls me to you?

I used to laugh before when people told me to love myself more
Now i get it.
I would honestly give zero shits for someone as shitty as you to be happy
I would bare myself inside out
Let you walk all over me
Embrace the pain
Because you would be happy

But i don't.
Fuck you.
You don't own me.
I will be happy
I will smile
I will fall in love again
With someone who can reciprocate
And someone who will treat me well
I will find someone
And i will be happy

Watch me lead a better life

Without you in it

wow that's a whole shitstorm and a half. lmao. idk what that was. it just had to come out.

she's not reading this but hey hope you liked the bold type season 3 episode 1. it reminded me of you and how i made you obsessed with the show :) hope you still watch it. i hope you're happy even though I'm not. but i want to be the bigger person and i hope you can make yourself a better person. a person that i wouldn't be ashamed to care about (even though you probably, no, definitely, don't give a shit about me anymore). a lot of these poems are for you and if we talk sometime in the future, i will show them to you :)

raima <3