Black to Purple, Purple to Magenta | A Prinxiety Sanders Sides Fanfiction

🖤Chapter 17: Alone

A/N:
Posted this chapter when it wasn't even finished! Sorry if you got the notification!

Sorry I've been slacking on posting & writing! I've been dealing with some personal issues... and state testing at school.

TW: self-deprecating thoughts, implied dehydration, an/r/x/a, mention of s/lf-h/rm & panic attacks

🖤Chapter 17: Alone-
Anxiety tells Morality more of his story.

Virgil/Anxiety's POV:

"This was my first time I felt like you guys didn't need me..."

-Flashback-

I felt so alone.

Lonely.
Abandoned.
Forgotten.
Ignored.

It hurts. So, so, so much...

It's been a year since I had first formed.

Patton had been formed first, Thomas being around 3.
Logan had been second, forming when Thomas was 4.
Roman had formed close to when Thomas had entered pre-kindergarten, so probably 5.

'The perfect trio.'

And then I- Anxiety- came along, when Thomas was in middle school, at the awkward age of 13.

It wasn't really helpful when puberty hit. Or that middle school is the 3 years you prepare for high school.

It has already been a few weeks since I locked myself in my room. It's all been the same.

The same walls.
The same hunger.
The same thirst.
The same cries.
The same sobs.
The same tears.
The same body.
The same mind.
The same thoughts.
The same empty feelings.
The same goddamn fucking desire of not existing.

I hated it- no... I hated myself.

Why did I lock myself in a room? Well, because of my stupid mistake; crying out loud. One of the other sides almost caught me.

I remember slapping my hands over my mouth as I heard approaching footsteps. I listened, as quiet as I could- not letting any whimpers or sobs come out of my mouth- as I heard the person ask who was there. Then they left, suspecting nothing, that it was all a trick of sound.

And now I was here. Alone in my dark room. Afraid to run into any of the others.

-Flashback end-

Silence was all that was left when I stopped talking.

"...Why?" Patton looked at me, guilt coating his eyes.

"What?"

Patton looked like he was going to cry, "Why did you suffer all alone? Why didn't you tell any of us? It's been 15 years!" his voice cracked.

"Well... every time Thomas would have a panic attack, you all would blame it on me..."

"But... don't you cause it?", Patton cringed at his own words.

"Well, yes, in a way..." I bit my lip.

"What does that mean?"

I sighed. Sorry, Pat...

"Every time I am having a panic attack (almost every day...), it affects Thomas. And vice versa. But I found a new way to 'keep it in'. I- I... I found my ability to absorb Thomas's negative emotions. Actually, anyone's negative emotions. When I have an attack, I absorb Thomas's negative emotions so mine doesn't affect him. If I sense he is about to have an attack, I quickly aid to it, so only I only suffer... or I try... it takes a lot of energy..."

I continued, "I never told any of you about it cause I knew how all of you would react. Pity. After all, you guys are all so nice..." I lied. Logan and Roman weren't really that nice to me, to others, yes, but I couldn't blame them.

"And..." I choked, "I was scared. You guys would blame me for anything bad that could possibly happen to Thomas. You would always look so disappointed. Logic would glare and yell at me. Creativity would tease me, make fun of me. Blame me. Scream at me. Hate me--"

"Roman doesn't hate you!" Pat tried to tell me. But it seemed like he barely believed it.

If Patton was looking for a reply, I didn't give him one.

"Anxiety..." he continued, but his sentence dragged out.

"Yeah?"

"Well... can I asked you some things?" Patton still looked somewhat like he was going to burst into tears.

"Sure, I guess..."

"Okay... um... one, why did you throw up? What are the bandages on your arms? How do your... thoughts work?", he asked with fiddling hands.

It felt as if I couldn't control my mouth, "Uh, well... I threw up because... istarvemyself!"

"Anx? Sorry, I couldn't understand that..."

"I... I starve my- myself..." I blurted out.

Patton froze. I looked away, to the floor.

"I have bandages because I- I c-cut... myself... and," tears spilled down my face out of nowhere.

I glanced at Patton, noticing drops of salty water run down to his chin, hands muffling his mouth.

"Pat? Pat! Morality- look- I-"

I got tackled into a hug. Patton clung on my shirt.

'Shit, I should've thought of this.
I shouldn't have told him.
He's going to tell the others.
Why is he crying?-'

D̶̢̡̡̨̧̡̡̛̦̻͍̙̠͈̰͉̘̜͖̹͔̬͇͔̻̦̠̩̦̦͔̙̪͖̙̝̥͈͖͉̗̻̳̠̟̓̾̀́͋̔̉̂͊̄̔̇̈́̈̀͂͂̽̽̎̇͆͘͜͜͝͠͝ͅͅͅỏ̵̢̢̢̨̢̡͔͔͔̝̫̙͍̙̯̫͕̭͔͖̥̳̱̦̟͙͕̝͙̬̘͖̞̩̦̞̃̊̀̿̈́́̆̅͐͠ͅę̴̛̲͓̖͎̰̙̳̖̠͖̬̒̋͐̓̒̋͐͋͛͋͌̽̍̑͌̊͒̌́̕̚̕͘ͅş̸̛̝̥̪̱͍̖̌ ̶̟̺̟͈̳̟͓̙̬̠͈̮̀͊̾̎͂̍̿͋̑͂̈́̑̂̀̉̃̀͛͘̕͠͠h̵̡̛̰̺̖̫̦̤͉͎̹̳̯̺̺͖͚͔́̀̈́̑̋̅̿̂̋́̂̑͌͌͋͊̏e̶̘̮̜͎̳͛͛͋ ̶̢̨̨̛͖͎͉̻̬̜̪͍̻̫̠͙͖̠͍͕̯͔̠͍̤̘̳̾̉̿͛̈́̽̎̓͐̇̉͊͌͂̈́̋͛͗̆́͌̊̑̓̌̀͌̏̏̈́̂͐̆͆̉̀̀̀͋͊͆̈́͐̔̽͑̐̈̄͝c̸̡̡̛̛͙̠̖͚̣̝͎̰̘̬̹͓̙͚̼̾̔́̑̔͆́̏̄̿͂̎̆̈́̀̂̈́͂́̉̇̅͋͆͆̌͐͗̄̑̊̊̈́̋̓̊́͒̊̇̐͊̓̿͋̔͝͝͝ȧ̶̢̳͓̻̗̤̫̣͇̲̥̤̤͎̞͖̹̲̬̱̙̱̘̗͓͐̈́͌͛̇ͅͅr̴̝̱̺͇͖̯͈̹̣̝͖̖̟̥̜̺̓̈̑̓̓̀̾̐̓̆̎̾̑̕͜͜͜ḙ̴̢̨̨̛͙̙̳̣̬̩̟̙͓̻̝̭̹̜̮͎͔̠͎͇̭͍̯͇̼̲̩̞̆͆̓̆͋͂̈͌̀̎̿̌͒̏͐́̆̆̀̓͋̓͊̃͊͛́́̌́̾̌̓̾̏̓̓̄̃̏̽̈́̏̂͐͘̕͜͝͝͝͝͠ͅ?̵̨̢̢̧̧̭̳̣̠̙̯̞̲͉̥̰̰̘͙̖̭̟͇̯̹̟͈̯͖̲̜͙͓̜̳̙̫̮̺̘͈̭͙̞̥̹̐̉̈́̉̀̍̒͊̓̽̆̀̿̄̓̕̕̚͘͜͜͜͜͝͠͝ͅͅ

No, of course not, Virgil. Don't think nonsense.

I clenched my teeth. Trying to keep my tears down.

I had told Patton about my anorexia... about my self-harm...

'God, what have I done...'

🖤

A/N:
A little longer since I missed... 3 updates?! 
Oh god- sorry!