You probably know this feeling which you get when you KNOW that you messed up. When you know that you're falling and you accidently take everyone with you. And you already know what this chapter gonna be about.
So, I actually met an Internet friend yesterday and i swear to god i messed up. I met others before but on conventions but THIS time she and a friend came all the way just to see me. You can tell that i was nervous af and i really tried to be calm and not let it get weird but; i messed up. My social anxiety was kicking in like NEVER before and I was just hoping for the day to end. I was excited to meet her (and her friend) don't get me wrong but yk... I'm not good at Socializing with People i never met before.
BTW, shoutout to my bro for waiting with me for like half an hour and trying to calm me down. England was the highlight of this month already, ily :3
We sat somewhere in the City and tried to have a conversation but guess what: I almost didn't talk at all. I didn't knew About what or if they'd wanted to hear it anyways. We sat there, it was getting weird and cringe and it was all my fault. To be honest, that day i really wished that sm would just shoot me so i could go to Hospital and they'd go home or sth... i don't know i just wanted it to end.
After a while, we stood up and went through the City, hoping that time would pass faster. When we were back at the spot from before we decided to go Eating sth where i never ate before but everyone told me that the Food tastes the best there so... it was okay i guess? There was a fck photo booth in it and she wanted to take photos and i look like a freakin homeless potato that was kicked out of a trashcan. We went to a Cinema cuz we planned on watching a movie but like we waited almost an hour i guess for the movie to start and execpt for us there were 3 other People. When the movie began it was the best part cuz we didn't talk to eachother. I Sound like an ungreatful bitch (what i probably am lol) but like... i don't know why but i felt uncomfortable the whole fck time. Okay, I'm nervous and not really comfortable almost all the time but THIS was a whole new Level wth. I like her, i really do but i guess i don't wanna meet her again for a Long time.
Before you Judge me, listen: I text with like one Person, that's it. I'm so bad at keeping in touch and if i feel forced to text with sm i really loose interest in them and i think that's what is Happening with her.
All i wanna do now is actually start crying cuz since yesterday that's literally all i can think of and i Need to let this out or else i probably would hurt myself (happened once. Don't @ me, it was Nothing bad or sth). I feel like I kinda force myself to text with her cuz everytime she Texts me i wanna ignore her.
I can't tell her cuz that would break her, literally. She told me that i'm her best friend and that she's really happy that i haven't left her. My easter break just started and all i wanna do is talk with sm in Person About this and let all my Feelings out. There are two People i trust with this but both live kinda far away from me and they're my brother's from other mothers....? I never cried in front of one of them ever (well, almost yesterday in front of one of them but I really didn't want to)
IF i could somehow talk to them and cry my parents would ask me what happened and why i cried and i really don't wanna talk About it with them.
I'm a freakin mess.
I feel like I hurt the People that love me the most but I don't wanna lie to them. I don't know what to do and this probably gonna haunt me til i made a decision cuz she told me that she gonna text me everyday from now so we wouldn't drift apart.
The worst Thing is i dont't even feel like I'd really miss her and I...
Fuck this. I want this to stop but my fck mind just can't get over it and i wanna cry but i cant and that is not good for my Health but Maybe i deserve to get sick and die asap cuz i'm really in that hole rn on the gaara side and please, just make it stop.
I wrote this my Computer so just ignore then mistakes. Have a good day and if you road everything: here's a cookie🍪
