You know... there are like two people who i'd actually tell all this and then there are like 1-2 that read this. As u probably know by now i'm not always okay tehe and like the less people know the better.
Sadly, I sometimes forget to like act happy and focused so i just stay really quiet and don't really act that happy. My momma noticed that today :') She asked me what's wrong cuz i was so quiet today and luckily i had a pretty good excuse; my dad has an alarm but he didn't wake up that fast so i woke up @ like 4am or sth i dunno.
Yesterday, I was really done with my life like i had some "differences" with my sis and i was tired and exhausted... anyway, i was so done that i really had to focus so i wouldn't start crying.
I don't want my family to know any of this like i told my mom a bit almost a year ago and she wasn't that understanding and asked hella lot so i changed the subject. Sometimes, I feel really bad cuz i lied to her so often. Everytime she asked me if i was okay i said i was tired. I was but not only cuz i didn't get enough sleep, mom. She's literally right next to me rn, sleeping. I know that if I'd tell her she'd worry about me or wouldn't really understand it and i don't want that. It's already enough that my idiot worries if i tell him but if i don't tell anyone about it i literally freak out like i didn't text him once cuz je was with his gf and i just hurt myself like a mf hoe.
I don't wanna lie to you, mom. I just don't want u to worry, okay? I can't see u sad or disappointed or both. I don't want you to waste more time and money on me than u already do. I know u probably can't understand what i'd tell u so what if u gonna get mad? You told me u hate pessimists and i told u i am one. This convo literally dragged me down like u were kinda mad at me like?? i didn't choose to be like this okay. I wanna be happy and talkative and open up but i just can't. As long ad u think i'm good that's enough. Momma, i love u and i'm so proud of u. You are so strong and you'd do anything to protect me and my sister. I can count on you no matter what.
If i ever tell u all this, please be understanding. If u'd be mad or sth that would really hurt me like a tear just came outta my fck eye (i'm listening to a sad song while i'm writing this but like yk what i mean). Thank you for everything you've done for me, mom. I want you to be proud of me and i try so hard and i'm really u are til now. I guess if i do one wrong thing u'll be disappointed. I try my best to be a good daughter. I want to be worth your time, money and pain (when i was born).
I love you so much, momma.
i'm literally crying rn wth
