Ivory Shadow

Chapter One: Lonley

The morning light cascaded across the room. The rays beamed through the windows. Dust floated and fell slowly to the ground. Brown hair was in in every direction. This was the best part of the day. Before I could remember anything, before my conscious mind took over. I could lie across the soft sheets, and pillows. Feel them on my skin.

And then, unexplained fear takes over and my mind turns back on, resuming yesterday's thoughts, just like hitting play from a paused movie. I sat up, and slowly made my way to the bathroom to take a shower, as much as my mind told me to just stay in bed all day, I couldn't let myself do that again. It was just too sad.

Letting the heat from the shower water run down my back was relaxing, I just closed my eyes and tried to breathe. My mom says I always have the water on too hot, but I can never seem to get it warm enough. When I got out of the shower, I looked in the mirror. My mousy brown hair looked jet black and ten times longer without the awkward wave in it when it's dry. My green eyes were slightly bloodshot from not getting enough sleep and there were dark circles under them. I threw my hair in a sloppy wet bun, and put on my favorite knit sweater and jeans, then headed downstairs."Ivory do you want some coffee?" said my mother. "Yes, I think I should, otherwise I'll fall over." "Another rough night sweetie?" "It's always a rough night." I said while rubbing my temples. "Caffeine probably won't help your anxiety." She said while handing me an oversized coffee mug.

And she was probably right, people with anxiety shouldn't be drinking caffeine, but take that away, and everything else that I shouldn't do because it causes anxiety, I'd just be a grumpy zombie shut in. Well, maybe I already was that...

"What is the plan today dear? Why don't you call some friends and hang out?" "I don't know, I think I'm going to go for a walk, just take it easy today. I'm not really up for being around anyone." I tried to hide the sadness in my voice but I knew she heard it, she always did. "Oh I thought the pills were working? Remember how hard it was not being on them?" My mother had a point. When I wasn't on pills, it was hard to function, harder than it is now which is funny considering I still can't function normally. I just remember feeling like I was having a heart attack every day, and I couldn't breathe. My lungs wouldn't obey my brain's wishes. The harder I'd try to breathe, the more I couldn't. The headaches were enough to make you think you were dying. Then the panic attacks, where I would just black out completely and wake up shaking so hard it hurt, and feeling so scared you threw up. This was my life, until I got on pills. The panic attacks are fewer and far between now, and the anxiety is more withheld than before. But the depression is a lot worse. My mom handed me a pill bottle.

Garland, Ivory Ray – Anxiety/Depression

VENLAFAXINE HCL ER 125 MG

"Until we go to the doctor, you should keep taking your pills sweetie." I shrugged my shoulders and swallowed the horse pill. It's not that I wanted to revert back to where I was, I just didn't want to have chemicals in my body anymore. This wasn't the first pill I had ever been prescribed, and I know what they can do to you. I know it's going to be a hard road, but I want to be in control of myself again. I want to be normal.

"Ok hun, I'm going to work, call me or text me if you need me, and please be careful if you go on a walk. I hate leaving you alone" she said while hugging me. "But I got to get going or I'll be late. Love you see you tonight."

My mother worked at a coffee house in town that I went to all the time. She was pretty much the manager now, and I'm so proud of her. She started off as a barista and now practically runs the joint. I owe my life to my mother; she's my favorite person in the world. But, she can't be there all the time. I understand that, to a point, it's just really hard to be alone. She tries to get me to call my friends to hang out, but she doesn't realize how much I lost since I began having episodes. When I was younger, I hung out with a crowd that was very judgmental and fake. People would always talk about other people, mainly because everyone was sleeping with everyone; they were on drugs and drinking alcohol. It was a toxic environment for a 15 year old.

Now I'm 17 and I'm on my own, as far as friends go, except for mom of course.

I threw some boots on, and put a sketch pad, and pencils into an oversized bag, and went out the door. The sunlight felt good on my face, and the breeze was brisk. It was becoming spring and all the snow was gone. Today was exceptionally warm; with cool wind to remind me it wasn't shorts weather.

There's a path in the back of our house that leads through to a trail in the woods. My boots sloshed through the mud, as I made my way to an opening in the middle of the forest, where I can relax. I always keep a blanket in my bag, so I took it out and laid it on the damp grass. I took my shoes and socks off, and took my hair down; it fell in waves over my shoulders. I lie down and for a moment take it all in. The sun was bright, gleaming through the pine trees; the wind was light, but glided through the branches and made the trees sway to a silent song. Nature always fascinated me, the way everything worked together in perfect harmony. I picked up my sketch pad, and pressed my pencil to the paper. I closed my eyes for just a moment, and then I heard a faint rustling that startled me, and I sat up with my heart pounding, and fear flooding my sanctuary.