Ivory Shadow

Chapter Three: Strangers

I imagined what life would feel like if I wasn't so trapped inside my thoughts. I must have drifted off, because when I opened my eyes, it was dark, and the lights were all off, and I heard my mom open the door and set her keys down on the table. I instantly fell back asleep.

It was Monday morning, and I had to get ready for school. I woke up and quickly fell to the ground from dizziness. I forgot to move slowly after my little fall last night. I could already feel the headache.

I put on a light sweater and jeans, and slowly went through the motions of getting around. I thankfully got my homework done during study hall the other day. I put on my glasses, because I didn't feel like taking the time to put contacts in. I splashed some coffee in a to-go cup, and headed out the door. Mother was already off to work.

I could've taken my beater to school, but it really wasn't that far of a walk and I was early. It was sunny again today; I wish I had the guts to take a detour through the woods. School would be OK if I didn't have to deal with the people I used to call "friends". The teachers were OK, I've known them my whole life, and I have seen these faces of the students for years now. The thing that gets me is walking through the hallways in-between all the people, feeling them brush by me, creating a feeling of dread in my whole body, it wasn't a pleasant experience. Luckily for me, the nurse lets me in the back way, and I can go to class right after the bell rings. I also requested to not be in the same classes as the people who I used to be friends with. I'm almost positive they think I just fell off the face of the earth, so this works to my advantage. I look a lot different since my friends stopped hanging out with me, I've gotten paler and skinnier which should be a plus, but it's mostly because I feel too sick most of the time to eat, which isn't really a good thing.

Classes were exceedingly dull today, not much I haven't already learned. Mostly just covering topics for SAT's coming up in the next couple of months. School never was my strong suite, but I've found myself focusing more on the content recently, because a lot of the time it helps distract me from myself. But in the end I really didn't care about furthering my education or anything like that, I just wasn't sure if college was for me. "Ivory?" said a voice. "Oh sorry, I was zoning out a bit, yes Miss Gardner?" Miss Gardner was my art teacher who I loved because of her eccentric taste, and bizarre ideas. She had a curly afro of black hair, and beautiful exotic skin.  She had such a warm presence about her, it made me feel at ease amongst the chaos. "I heard about a group of young ones meeting at the youth center on Friday after school, they are ones from different schools around the district, and they talk about their issues and anxiety, I didn't know if you would be interested?" Oh great idea, throw a bunch of kids with social retardation in a room together, and see what happens. I knew she was just being sweet, and trying to help, but I wasn't sure I was into it. "Thanks Miss Gardner, maybe I'll check it out." She had good intentions, she's really been there for me during rough times, maybe I should trust her and go. 

I walked into my next class and sat down in the back, and opened my science book. "Class can we please welcome one of our new students Rowan, Rowan take a seat wherever you like" said Mr. Brown. My eyes shot up when I heard his voice. "Hey there little miss runaway, mind if I sit here?" he said as he sat in desk next to mine. My face turned all kinds of red as I sank into my seat. "I'm, uh, sorry I, erm... " I couldn't think of words because of my embarrassment. "It's totally fine, I was just messing around, I'm sure I probably gave off a weird vibe, so let me start over. I'm Rowen as you've heard, what's your name?" Then the bell rang. "Sorry" I mumbled and pushed my way past everyone. This was now the second time. The second time I have rudely run away from this boy! I don't know what was wrong with me, I guess I just wasn't used to people talking to me, but I couldn't tell if it was my anxiety or my curiosity making me crazy...

I didn't feel like going straight home after school, so I thought I would stopped in at the coffee house my mother works at.

"Hi sweetie, how was school?" "It was predictable. Except my art teacher did try to talk me into group therapy. It must be getting bad if Miss Gardner thinks I should go right?" I snickered. Mom knew Miss G, and all her crazy stories. She cracked a smile. "Anyways, can I have a decaf coffee please? Soy" "I don't know hun maybe it's worth checking out, I mean meeting with other kids that have similar problems may help. I think it'd be good for you!" Crap. I shouldn't have opened my mouth. "Mom, I don't know, I feel like I would just get more anxious, thinking about spilling my personal issues and feelings scares the heck out of me." "Well, it's something to at least think about," she said while pouring my coffee. "When is it?" "It's after school on Friday." "Well ok then, relax and do some homework, you have plenty of time to decide. It's totally up to you." She said while sitting my coffee in front of me. I thought it best not to mention my terribly embarrassing encounter with Rowan. It would probably just make her worry even more about me... I knew I was.

I got up to look at the new arrivals for books, just out of curiosity I tried to see if I could find anything on panic disorder or anxiety. There was a skinny paperback called "The guide to Anxiety free living" I opened up to a random page in the middle. "An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming."

I thought about that for a moment. Maybe the best thing right now would be to just throw myself into uncomfortable situations and slowly try to handle them. It's not like the people at the meeting could judge me, they're supposedly going through the same type of things. Maybe I would go. And maybe then I could actually talk to Rowan someday.