Gone? USUK

Chapter 8: Damn You

"Why would you do that?"

I sigh heavily and run a hand through my hair, careful to avoid my cowlick. "I think it's a good idea," I admit, making Gilbert and Francis look at me as if I just sprouted a second head.

"Alfred, I don't think that forcefully making him pass on is such a good idea. We don't know what it could do to him," Francis tells me, speaking quicker as his voice fills with emotion. "This could ruin his entire afterlife, if we aren't careful."

I roll my eyes. "I've thought about that, but from what I gathered, all we need to do is find out who killed him, get justice, and then make him move on."

"Wait," Antonio says, breaking in. "Wouldn't getting justice make him pass on?"

I shake my head. "I think he's scared to move on, and he could've lied about me being in danger so I wouldn't make him leave. Maybe he's scared of going to hell, so he makes himself stay."

After hearing my theory, my friends look between each other. I can tell that they think it's plausible, but I'm not sure whether or not they'll help me figure out how to do it.

"Assuming that we can even find the people that killed him and make sure justice happens, how would we forcibly remove him from his own house? He isn't an evil spirit, in case you haven't noticed." Gilbert looks at me pointedly, and I roll my eyes.

"I've already got all of that figured out. I just need your help to find the guys who killed him." I grin at my three friends, but they all look uneasy. That makes me feel a little apprehensive towards my own plan, but I'm going to stick with it. I just can't let Arthur know what I'm planning. He would never let me go through with it, but all I want is to help him.

Besides, if he and I spend too much more time together, I know that I'll fall in love with him, and I don't want that. If he were alive, I'd be the happiest boy on earth, because I know he's attracted to me as well. However, he's dead, so it would never work. All in all, a relationship between the two of us would only cause heartbreak.

I know all of this, yet I can't stop myself from having fantasies about him and me, both the perverse and innocent kind. There are times that I wish I could hold him close to me for as long as he'd let me, and that thought terrifies me. I couldn't handle what my dad did to my mom, and that wasn't even my own relationship! But then again, neither of them are dead.

I hear the Frenchman sigh, snapping me out of my reverie made entirely of thoughts of Arthur. "We'll help you get justice, but I'm not so sure about anything after that," he tells me, clutching at his now tepid coffee as his brow creases. He seems really worried about me, and the thought is both flattering and extremely stressful at the same time.

I nod, smiling gratefully and hoping that they understand how much this means to me. "Thank you, guys," I reply, looking into each pair of eyes in all seriousness.

A few minutes later, I'm sitting alone in the same coffee shop, but my three companions have returned home. I can't bring myself to leave, but I want to. I want to see Arthur so badly that it kills me, but I don't want to see him at the same time. His entirety is a reminder that I can never have him, not in a way that would makes us both happy.

If we were to even try dating in this state, anything physical would be out of the question. Not to mention, that I'd age and he'd remain the same way as a ghost, and that'd get extremely weird extremely fast.

There are so many things wrong with dating him, but I can't stop the want for it as it eats away at my heart. I've never had someone that can pointlessly bicker with me about whether tea or coffee is better and then laugh about it two seconds afterward. I've never been so willing to listen to someone simply talk for hours, telling me about their life and interests. He's all of that to me and so much more, but it's a bittersweet reality. How can I ever have someone so utterly unattainable?

When I return home, I'm surprised whenever Arthur doesn't immediately greet me. That's what he usually does, but then again, I'm home much later than I usually am. My mom still isn't home then, so the house has a very lonely sort of quiet vibe to it that makes me want to see Arthur more than I don't want to see him. 

Quickly scanning through the first floor after I set my stuff down, I find that he isn't there and make my way upstairs. Of course, the last place I check -- my room -- is where the adorable Brit is located. I nearly swoon (in an entirely manly way) at the sight of him, curled up in the fetal position and snuggled underneath my heavy covers. My sheets are going to smell like him tonight, and the thought gets me almost inappropriately excited.

Silently shuffling over to my bed, I slip off my shoes as a wave of fatigue hits me. Another few weeks of school have passed, and I find that I'm extremely exhausted. Maybe everything that's been going on is too emotionally and physically draining for me. Pulling off my jeans and bomber jacket, I climb into the bed, causing the ghost there to stir but somehow not awaken.

Getting situated underneath the thick blanket, I stare at the back of Arthur's head, trying to find a way to push aside the feelings for him that bubble up to the surface like magma in a volcano. This isn't fair. Why is the ghost the one to steal my heart?

Inhaling deeply, I feel my body relax as the smell of tea intoxicates me. God, he always smells so sweet. It's the most amazing scent anyone could ever have. The smell starts to make my eyes flutter shut as it lulls me to sleep, and I find myself having second thoughts about my own plans once again.

Do I really want Arthur to leave me?

The thought keeps me awake, and I hate it. I want to sleep and have to deal with the problem later, but I guess that's just not how life works.

"A-Alfred?" a tired, accented voice asks, but I pretend to be asleep.

I don't want him to see the conflict in my eyes. All I want is to protect him, so instead of replying or revealing that I'm awake, I sleepily move my arm forward, underneath the pillow next to mine. I can feel a small smile that he hopefully thinks is me dreaming whenever he let himself be held by me, laying on my arm with a light pressure. It's not enough to make my arm fall asleep, but it's enough to remind me that he's here with me.

"Goodnight, love," he says sleepily, and I feel a peck of his grace the skin of my cheek, making me want to collapse into a puddle of goo and emotions.

Damn you, Arthur. I curse to myself in my head, wanting nothing more than to be able to passionately kiss him, but I can't. 

It's decided Arthur.

I can't take not being able to make you mine anymore.

You have to move on.

I have to make you, because I can't take this.

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Heylo, my lovely little nuggets! I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter! Don't forget to leave your feedback and comments, because those always make my day! Anyway, I'll see y'all nuggety readers in the next update! Until then, have an absolutely fantastic and fabulous day! Bai!!! >:3

-IggyScones