Dear B,
Less than twenty days left of my senior year, and I feel like my life is falling apart. My parents are basically ripping me to shreds without even knowing it, and I am living in my own personal hell. Today, I did something not so good. I was checking my Snapchat while driving, and a cop saw and pulled me over. Not only do I now have a $120 ticket that I have to pay but I also no longer have a phone in accordance with my parent's rules. I have been without my phone for approximately five hours, yet I already miss you like crazy. It truly is bizarre how you have such a strong hold on me when we've only known each other for a short period time.
Maybe I am being dramatic. Actually, I definitely am being dramatic, but as if that isn't enough to send a teenage girl into a downward spiral, today was also the day I told my parents that I didn't want to swim in college. I knew that if I didn't want to swim in college, I would no longer be attending Carthage, but right now, that is a risk I am willing to take. Instead, I am going to stay here for another year, attend ICC, and decide what I want to do with my future. You know what that means? Another year here that I get to spend with you! If you allow me to, of course.
I know these past couple of days have been extremely hard for you, and believe me when I say that they have been extremely hard for me too. Just when I think that I couldn't possibly shed another tear, the waterworks start up again. I spend most of my time crying alone in my room, but I realized today that crying to yourself is actually the worst when you have no one to try to comfort you. I am sure that I will be fine eventually, but without being able to talk to you, I feel as if my world is ending. My only current form of communication is email, and no one in our day and age uses email anymore.
J suggested to me the other night that I start a journal to sort through some of the anguished and disgruntled thoughts in my head, but frankly, I don't think I can. There are so many thoughts and ideas raging in my mind that they are beginning to consume me. One prominent thought currently in my brain is are you okay? I wish I could ask you, but I know you have her to help you through your rough times, so you don't need me here, even though I always will be, as long as you allow me.
Frankly, I am worried for tomorrow, and every day that comes after it. I have always been worried. I am a worrier, and worrying is what I do best. Even seeing just a glimpse of your smile or being able to see you for a moment or two in the hallway would brighten my mood, I am sure of it. But for tonight, I am left entrapped within my own thoughts and emotions. Whoever said, "No man is an island entire of himself" obviously never lived a life with as great of friends I have and has never had to bear the struggle of not being able to see them.
Until tomorrow love,
Je t'aime
