Dear B,
Surprisingly, today was not awful.
I had to wake up pretty early, and my dad, my mom, and I all went to my Nana's house. We also went to the church and buried my grandpa's remains. It drug up a lot of feelings that I had forgotten about after my grandpa's funeral, but it wasn't too bad overall. Then we helped my Nana sort through some stuff at her house and get things ready for Easter on Sunday. And then when I got back home, I was able to talk to you.
I really don't think you can fathom just how much I miss you and how much I miss being near you. I know you don't think you do any good for my mental health, but you are like glue for my brain, and you hold all of my pieces together. Talking to you makes me very, very happy, and although we didn't get to talk much today, I still enjoyed every second that I could talk to you.
To be honest B, I am kinda worried about you. Sometimes, when your mental health isn't the best, I am worried you will do something to yourself without thinking about the repercussions of your actions. If anything happened to you and I knew I could have done anything to stop it, I would never forgive myself. I am mostly worried that at some point, I'll get caught up in the heat of a moment and lash out at you, and you will get so upset that you won't want to talk to me anymore. But I have said it before, and I'll say it a million times: I only want you to be happy. So if you were to wake up one day and decide that your happiness doesn't include me being in your life, that's okay. I don't know if I could, but I would try my best to walk away and leave you to your happiness.
Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like if we hadn't met. What if I wouldn't have been with you guys that night at J's house? Would M be in my position right now? What if she hadn't gone to Spain? Would you even know my name? What if the whole K and A situation never happened? What if I was still going to prom with K? What if I would have let K date me? I guess we'll never know.
I want to tell you another story from when I was in eighth grade, and I truly believed that almost everyone hated me. For a little background to the story, eighth grade B was drastically different than I am now. I almost always wore sweatshirts and yoga pants, I wore my hair in a ponytail every day, and I was very uncomfortable in my own body. I remember it being spring, and I remember I would get ridiculed for how dressed, how I looked, and how I acted. I quit eating, partially from a lack or hunger and partially for the reason of wanting to be thinner and look like the other girls who were popular. I didn't tell anybody this. Weeks went by, and nothing changed, and I really started to think that I was the problem. I started to self harm. I didn't do anything major, and the place I cut was on my hip. I still have little scars from it. But the most vivid memory I have from this time in my life was crying almost every day in my shower, wanting to fit in, and not knowing how to "act normal".
Fast forward to present day me, and I am really not that much different. I no loner self harm, and even though people think I don't eat because I have an eating disorder, I do make sure I eat plenty of food in a day, and the only time I don't eat enough is when I am under extreme stress. However, I still feel like that little girl who is uncomfortable in her own skin. I am not used to people telling me I am attractive or nice or funny, and so when people do, I find it very hard to believe. It seems like recently, a lot of guys have been giving me more attention. Of course, over the years I have gotten more and more attention from guys, but the trust I put in them was always broken when I believed they liked me for me, when really they just liked the fact that I was open to try different things. Alex then Ben then Chase then Ben then Tyler then Alex. I was repeatedly hurt by so many guys, and I don't know why I allowed them to do it to me. I was used, and it hurt.
Now, when I discover that a guy is trying to "finesse" me, it is really unbelievable to me. I am not the prettiest. I am not the skinniest. I don't have a perfect personality. I'm kind of a nerd. I am terrible at relationships, and I easily make people mad. Why would anyone want that? I have no idea.
I don't know, B, maybe I'm just full of it. And maybe this is crazy too, but sometimes with you, I really do feel pretty. I know it's silly, but no guy has really ever been able to make me feel like that before, and I love you for that.
I know I am being all sentimental and mushy, but frankly, I like being that way. And I really like it when you're mushy too.
Until tomorrow love,
Je t'aime
