Dear B,
Today is day two with little to no human interaction, and I think I'm losing my mind. I did see people at school today, and the only time I felt that I wasn't a total zombie was when I was talking to you. I don't know why I am suddenly devoid of emotion, but I don't know how much longer I can handle it without completely losing my mind. Just when I think I'm going to be okay, something flips in my mind, and I am a mess once again.
Maybe I am putting too much reliance on other people to be happy, but lately I have been so upset with myself that other people are the only thing that can bring me joy. I also am very afraid. I fear that maybe you don't care about me as much as I want you to, and even after I get my phone back, I am worried you still won't talk to me as much. I don't think it'll ever matter how many times you tell me that you love me because my heart is too afraid to trust in you and to have my heart broken like it has been so many times before.
I could never say this to your face, but I am hurt every time you talk about her, or anytime anyone talks about her. It is hard for me to look her in the face, hard for me to be around her. And I am most scared for prom. You tell me every day that you love me, but I know you will always love her more.
As crazy as it sounds, I don't think I have ever felt closer to someone than I feel with you. You are "more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, [yours] and mine are the same", and being parted from you is like being parted from my other half. I am sure that you don't feel this way because you have other people, and I believe that I sometimes bore you with what I say or write. I am worried you will never understand the connection I feel between the two of us. I am worried that you are going to leave at the first chance you get. I am worried you will take my heart and shatter it into a million pieces. But the future is unknown, and I have to put blind trust into your love for me.
I want to share a story with you that you already know bits and pieces of, but I think once you know the full story, you will understand why I am so hesitant to believe you when you tell me you love me. Before you, there was another B. We met about two years ago when he dated my friend, and we became fast friends. Even after my friend broke up with him, we continued to be friends, and I started to develop feelings for him, and I truly believed in my heart that he reciprocated those feelings. Our relationship somewhat progressed, and we hung out multiple times, and eventually it got to the point where I allowed him to touch me and kiss me because I thought that his feelings were being showed through his actions. It turned out the only feeling he had for me was the feeling of a boner.
Eventually, he decided it would be best to cut off all forms of communication with me and stay completely out of my life. Looking back, I am very grateful that he made the decision to do that because he not only broke my heart, but he threw it on the ground and stomped on it. My first real heartbreak was definitely not an easy one, but it changed me as a person. I have become less trusting and more easily annoyed with people who give me any slight inconvenience. So when you ask me if I think you used me, I want so badly to say no, but I didn't think B had been using me either, and now I haven't talked to B in over six months. I can't bear the thought of losing you like that.
I can't tell yet whether writing my emotions down is helping my mental state, but no one that is talking to me is helping anything. M always tells me she misses me or says that everything is going to be okay, but these words don't mean anything to me anymore after weeks of having them repeated to me with nothing getting better. I feel as though I am just annoying J, and they are the only two people who even make an attempt to talk to me right now. Not even you are trying. Do you even miss me?
I hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be better. If I can't talk to anyone this weekend, my life will literally become a living hell, and I do not think I will survive it. The only thing I seem to want to do is get out of my house, but I am trapped and floundering under all of this pressure. I can't sleep anymore, and I know I am not eating like I should, but I just don't know what to do. Do you have any advice, love? If yes, I would love to hear it.
Until tomorrow love,
Je t'aime
