Dear...
Hi it's Ashley Elizabeth Gordon-Michaels. I was born on June 21, 1979, and I am 34 years old. I have three beautiful children that make me a better person everyday. A little while ago, I lost someone very dear to me. My husband Jim died. He gave me the best thirteen years of my life. He not only made me the happiest person in the world, but he gave me my three great kids, Jemma, Alec, and Eomer. Jemma is sixteen years old, and she loves to draw and make believe. Alec is nine years old, and he loves reptiles just like his daddy. Eomer is four years old, and he loves to play with horses and wants to be a cowboy. His unique name comes from his weird parents who love the Lord of the Rings.
Now Jemma and I usually butt heads on a daily basis. This could be because she is a teenager, and she is emotional or because I turned out to be just as protective and controlling as my mother was with me. Mother was not very easy going. It took a lot of strength for her to simply agree with me on one thing. When she found out I was marrying my high school sweetheart, Jim, she was furious because she thought he was strange and wasn't right for me. However, I knew that Jim was my soul-mate. He knew everything about me since the first time I started talking to him when we were twelve years old. He had been teasing me all day, and then he invited my best friend Jane and me to play football, but I was embarrassed. He had finally asked me out when we were fifteen years old. He took me horseback riding. It was one of the memorable experiences of my life. We went horseback riding while we were dating every year on our anniversary. We were shocked when we found out that I was pregnant with Jemma when I was only seventeen years old. This caused so many problems between mom and I. She was so disappointed, and I know you were disappointed in me too. She was born on May 19, 1997 and then Jim finally asked me to be his on September 6, 1999.
When I was planning my wedding, my mom kept on insisting that we do it the way she would like it, but I finally stood up to her! I told her that Jim and I really didn't want a wedding because we didn't want the attention. Mother insisted that we had to, so I made an agreement. I told her that if we have to have a wedding, I was going to plan it. She agreed, which was very surprising! When I picked out my wedding dress, my mom acted surprised. I didn't really understand why though because she knew that I didn't like normal things. My wedding dress was red. She hated it. End of discussion. The day of our wedding came, July 13, 2000. Everything was ready at my uncle Mark's ranch in Kentucky. There was reptile pictures on every aisle, red ribbon across the back of every chair, and most importantly, there was a football for the kids. Just like the day we met, playing football. I remember the day like it was yesterday. The air smelled of fresh fallen rain, and the sky looked like God had just poured some sunshine through the light grey clouds. I got in my dress. I stepped my foot on the white satin aisle and proceeded towards my handsome man. He was wearing the nicest tux with his favorite shoes, his alligator slippers. As I was walking down the aisle, I started to feel a weight come over me. There was something missing.
You passed away when I was thirteen years old, which ultimately caused mom to become so bitter towards life. You were killed by a drunk driver. You always used to tuck me in bed and say these words “You are beautiful. You are magnificent. Now go to sleep my sweet sweet angel.” I will never forget those words. I was your girl, and I always have you with me for your ring is on my neck.
I finally reached Jim. I handed my bouquet to my maid of honor, Jane, and smiled at my beautiful daughter who was our flower girl. I put my hands in his. It was the most comforting moment. We gave each other the hugest smiles and said our written vows. We kissed and then the reverend announced us “I give you Mr and Mrs Michaels!” This was truly the best day of my life! Every time I think about, I can't help but have a smile across my face and a sparkle in my eye. We had the reception and then rode off on our horses, Liza and Philip, to our honeymoon. Every year on our anniversary we continued to ride our horses and that tradition never stopped until fourteen months ago.
It was 6:30 on a Tuesday evening. I was making my family dinner and listening the audio book of Wuthering Heights. I was beginning to wonder where Jim was because he usually arrived home at about 4:00. I had just been assuming he was caught up at our store. I finished dinner and the kids and I sat down to enjoy our favorite meal, Cordon Bleu's with rice, when the phone rang. I casually got up to get it for I wasn't in a rush or anxious.
“Hello, this is Ashley Michaels.”
“Yes ma'am, this is Sheriff Grant Larson with the Louisville, KY police department.”
“Ah, yes how may I help you officer?” I said.
“Ma'am, is your husband's name Jim?” He said.
“Yes, it is. Why?” I said.
“Does he have dark brown hair and blue eyes?” He said.
“Yes he does! Officer what is this about?” I said.
“Well Mrs. Michaels, I am afraid to say that your husband has been in a head on collision with a drunk driver.” He said.
I went silent. The phone dropped to the ground. My knees felt like they had cracked, and I fell to the floor with tears running down my face. I composed myself a few minutes later, and I rushed over to the hospital and greeted my comatose husband. He was limp and frail in his bed. He remained unconscious for several days. I don't think I left that hospital bed once. When he opened his eyes, I was the first person he saw, and all he did was put a tiny little grin on the corner of his mouth for that was all he had strength for.
Jim was growing stronger everyday. I came in one day and I decided to watch the annual rodeo with him! It was something we had always taken our kids to, but because of the accident we weren't able to. We were in the midst of watching the rodeo, and Jim and I were yelling comments about it towards one another because he was in the other room and couldn't see the ginormous TV. After a couple bulls had been released, I started to notice that Jim hadn't been responding to my comments for the last ten to fifteen minutes. I was expecting the worst. Tears came rolling down my eyes as I peaked into dark the room. My husband was not talking, not moving, not awake, not alive. Jim Evan Michaels died of a cardiac arrest on July 13, 2013.
That day, I kind of went numb. I didn't talk to anybody, I didn't look at anybody, I just left the hospital with tunnel vision and a silenced mind. I drove. I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do. I just drove. I called my mom and told her that she needed to stay with the kids for a while, and that I'd be home in a few days. Those four days were the absolute worst days of my life. I drank myself to shreds. I had began ruining my life to alcohol. I was drinking everyday with about an hour in between drinks. I became the thing I was most afraid of every since you died. I became the thing that assisted in the death of my husband. I became an alcoholic. I ruined my life and my children's lives for eight months until I got the help I needed.
It's been sixth months and I feel great! I have changed my life back around! I still miss Jim, and the kids miss him too! I know you would have loved him! The kids always ask where you are and why they never see you. I always laugh and say the same thing “He's on vacation.” I've been doing a lot of things now. It's been rough, it's still rough. I don't know how Jim put up with me. I almost didn't make it. Then one day...I don't know. I was sitting in my home. You know what my house looks like, piles of papers, and boxes, and mess everywhere. And there was a breeze coming from somewhere. And people. And they couldn't move because of the mess. And I laughed “Among friends and clutter.” And someone else “This isn't clutter, this is a war zone.” And I knew that things were going to be ok. I have to go now.
Love you dad,
Your sweet sweet angel
