Virginator (HERO FIENNES-TIFFIN)

Chapter 4

"What men desire is a virgin who is a whore." - Edward Dahlbert

Desire, why do we desire? What's the part of the brain wired for desire? A basic human need, to long for something. Desire...

I shook myself out of my musings. Not happening, i thought to myself.

My life is simple and  I don't like anything or anyone else coming to change it. I feel like he is doing just that. What am i thinking? This is nuts. I don't like to put ideas into my own mind that what happened this morning is something.

I always put off men who start showing their interest in me. I never experienced heartbreak or any of those i see too often especially when i take the subway, I've seen many girls with messed up faces sobbing. I've seen a lot of couples arguing. What the heck! I always get mad at those sights. It's never happening to me. I'm not stupid. Why even care to allow your mind to be distorted with all these ideas people sell everytime. Love is for sale. People do it to sell something, to sell themselves. Love... What is love? My adopted parents never said they loved me. Never saw them kiss or whatever. We all lived together peacefully, respecting every decision i make. That's our life. They made sure i am safe in this world, I learned to not expect more from those gestures.

Thinking about them stirs something in me. The last memory of them is after they visited me for the last time and a call from a police telling me they crashed. I didn't cry. I went to check on them, and i still remember as clear as day when i heard the police officer say they're "dead."

I simply stood and watched as they wheeled them in a body bag and asked me to follow, signed the papers and took them home for cremation. Not many attended the wake. A few neighbors and that's it. My parents don't have families close by. I think they left home really young, i never met any grandparents growing up.

After everything is completed, i processed other paperworks and I'm back with my life. I don't know if i should miss them. But i watch the news and people die all the time. I refuse to waste my energy on those feelings. Everytime a thought similar to that enters my head, i shut it out immediately. I'm a master of my head, no one and nothing can mess it up again. Those times of my childhood did define  my outlook now. I learned that it's best to think of nothing, just keep walking, keep moving forward, never looking back.

Simplify life, i said to myself. Easier this way.

I stood up from bed to start for another work night. Natasha texted she's spending a night at her friend's house. Friend, i thought. Do i have any? I don't keep or nurture friendships. I'm my own friend.

I looked at myself in the mirror. My hair is straight and long. My eyes look tired. Working at night is different. I feel twice as tired. My pale skin hasn't seen the sun in days i think I'm going to suffer from Vitamin D illness as a result. The only time i saw the sun is this morning when i went with that man to see the sunrise.

My eyes, they're puffy. I put on some light makeup. I'm only in my second month into this job and I'm already feeling tired. Tonight, I'll be dancing in front of lustful eyes. Men sticking out their tongue. Men adoring my body, my hips gyrating. The thought is becoming less appealing. I silently wished I'll dance just for that green eyed beast i was with last night.

The thought jolted me, knocking me off my senses. I'm really crazy for thinking this.

I put on a thick coat to protect me from this cold New York night. I head outside and was shocked at what i saw. A man is leaning on the driver's door of a white sports car. His scent is overpowering as always.

"Hi," i managed to say. Asking him why he's here will only make the conversation longer and boring.

"I thought maybe i could take you to work today," he said.