Observing

begin again

When I fell, I shattered.

I was left to pick up the pieces on my own, which was difficult because I didn't even want to before, much less now. I was forced to do mundane tasks like work and clean and hang out with friends when I was completely broken. I didn't know if the feeling would ever evaporate, if I was the one destined to be crushed over my true love forever. I was kept awake with the worry that I'd let the best person in my life slip through my fingers. If I'd pushed away the one good thing I had.

They all said it was for the best, but it felt like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life.

I was lost. I had no clue who I was. I was driving to his house every other night just to see if he was home. I felt crazy. I acted crazy. I felt like it'd never pass, like I'd never stop crying and wishing I wasn't alone.

One night, though, I did stop crying, and for the first time in forever, I felt like I wasn't alone. You came alone, and things started to shift.

Don't get your ego too big, now; you didn't fix me. I know you know that. But as we were walking down the street and talking about the 1975, I felt okay. You were all bundled up in a pink hoodie and a jacket even though we were having a warm day. I drank coffee and you filmed on your fancy camera and I found myself gravitating toward you. I would blush just glancing at you, because you're so beautiful - did you know that? Because we all see it. I know I do.

This week was made because of you. These past few months too, but this week especially. Your hugs were tight, tighter than normal, and they held me together. There were so many of them, too. You laughed at my jokes and it was so strange because no one thinks I'm funny anymore. You gave me a sticker that I put on the bumper of my car. You asked me to come visit you in May (sorry, to "hit you up"). I told my friends that I'd had the biggest crush on you for years and they laughed because they didn't see the raw, honest truth in the statement.

I wonder if you think about me when we're apart like I think about you. I know it's definitely not as much as I think about you, but I wonder if I ever cross your mind at all. I wonder if you remember dancing with me, or how I smiled when you got excited that I was singing thank u, next. If you remember the happy box you drew on my arm last summer, the concept I hold onto always of how I needed something to keep with me that captured my positive thoughts. I wonder if you recall how you asked me to help you sell tee shirts or how you danced for us in the diner deck after the show. I wonder if you saw through me, that the laughter was a sigh of relief after being miserable for so long.

I wonder.

I wonder if you knew how it hurt to see you kissing her in front of me.

I'd seen you at the show, standing next to her, but I thought maybe you were just friends. You were only by her side a few moments before taking off to your next spot. But then you were holding her on the deck, and you were smiling and kissing her and I felt my heart breaking all over again. I realized how stupid and delusional I was, despite the reassurance of my friends.

I didn't shatter as violently, because when you walked back over to hug me and wish me happy birthday I felt like you were still putting me back together despite it all. You will always be good in my eyes. You will always be so beautiful and good. Because you just are.

I've found out that the girl you were with was nothing serious, and now I wonder just how made up it was that you looked distraught to see me leaving without saying much to you. Was it in my head, or was there truth to it? Were you sad I was going?

I drove back home those six hours with a confused heart. Happy and sad at once. No matter what happens, I know that you're worth it. I know that I'll never regret liking you and being near you.

With the promise of seeing you in May at a 1975 concert, I felt like this wasn't the end. I hope it isn't.