Observing

dear a

dear a,

I knew from the moment I laid my eyes on you that I'd end up here, writing this letter for you.

I thought if we worked, the story of how we met would be so funny. Both workers of the same store, but never meeting there. Becoming friends through suggested follows, getting the guts to message you, feeling so proud of myself for initiating conversation and going for what I want for once. And oh, did I want you so bad. I've been falling for you from the first texts. I've been in awe of you for so long.

I keep flashing back to this one specific memory: when I first saw you in person. I wrote about that moment in a song. Your university sweatshirt, your white shoes, the way you smiled when you saw me and opened your arms for a hug. My heart had swelled. You offered to pay for the coffee, but I got it on my own because I wanted to be fair. We had the exact same order.

We talked so easily. I remember being flattered that your leg was shaking, which is really shitty of me, but no one is ever nervous to meet me. We went walking down Delmar once our coffees were gone, and later got food. We shopped around Vintage Vinyl, and everything just felt so easy and it was such a nice relief for once. We went and got drinks and sat on a heated patio with a fireplace that we shared a couch in front of. You hugged me when I joked about leaving, and we made a bet on how old fashions are made. I lost and I owed you a drink. I had such high hopes for us. I remember messaging my best friend about how giddy and happy I was.

Two nights later, we went out so I could buy you that drink. You only got a three-dollar Stag, and I scoffed. We played games and I learned about your passion for pinball. I beat your ass in skeeball. It all felt like a movie, when you drove us to the wacky cafe. It felt like the beginning moments in a montage of a something new and beautiful. That night, you took me to your house to meet your dog, and we sat on your bed in lovely awkward silence for a while. Then, you made the corniest move while your dog was licking my face.

"Hey, that's enough kissing. It's my turn."

My heart burned. I was so excited to finally run my hands over your Nike sweatshirt, and place my palms on either side of your face. Making out with you made me dizzy. I'd never felt like this kissing someone before. It was pure bliss. You asked me if I wanted to take my clothes off, and I said yes.

Little did I know that the true and real joy would end right after we hooked up.

You sat in your computer chair quiet, deep in thought. Sinatra was still playing. I asked what was on your mind. You told me that you didn't want a relationship, that you weren't completely over your ex, that you were scared that I was moving to California soon. I tried to seem nonchalant, but it was heartbreaking for me to hear. I'd thought something real was starting.

Sadly, that wasn't the end of our story. I thought maybe this could work. Maybe, even if we were just sleeping together, I could be okay with that. Better than being sexually frustrated, right?

But it wasn't just sex, even after that. We went out. We had meals first. We had mini adventures before you asked me to come back to your house or invited me to the backseat of your car. You made me think that maybe this could still lead to something after all, that you just needed time. And I was so willing to give it to you. I held on tight to your hand while you dragged me underwater, and I did it with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.

When you asked me to hang out with you and your friends, I felt so hopeful. You don't introduce girls you're just sleeping with to your friends. You invited me to your graduation party while we were there. But your friends talked to me more than you did, one in particular. She was a friend of a friend, I learned. She kept jibing at me, calling me rich and stupid for not taking a job that paid more than the one I currently had. She kept berating me for the smallest of things. When we finally all decided to go downtown, I told you it felt like she didn't like me, and you agreed. You said you thought she liked you and you'd be worried about this.