i've almost written you a letter before, months ago when I thought I'd lost you. you'd told me you only wanted to be friends after I'd admitted my feelings for you, because as much as you did like me, you weren't ready for anything like that. but then, things changed, and your heart started reaching out for mine after all. summer is over, though, and here we are after all. i don't know if you'll ever find this, or if you'll remember me by the time you do.
the other day I was in a book store and saw a small pin shaped like a book (shocking). it was a tiny version of thealchemist. it was the only pin of a book on a little advertising wheel (the others were coffee mugs and typewriters and ruth bader ginsburg), and I thought that was so wild. Of all the books, it was your favorite one! I didn't have enough money for its ten-dollar price that day, but I thought to myself that I'd pick it up for you next time I went to up-down.
the next day, you broke my heart.
i don't know why I'm telling you that story. maybe because it was one thing I forgot to tell you about in a time when I told you everything.
i know that, for you, what we had wasn't worth all of this. it doesn't dignify a letter or the songs i've written or the breakdowns i've had to you about being upset by you. i get that you're not heartbroken, and I know that you're probably thinking that you told me from the start that we would never be together. so, to you, I'm probably overreacting.
but, try to see it from my eyes:
you texted me the most endearing things. that you wanted to wake up to me every day. you'd facetime me until 2am and say you loved getting to see me smile. you told me I was beautiful constantly. you cried when you thought you'd lose me, once. and you weren't even going to lose me, then. i told you I wanted to be friends. and yet now, it was so easy for you to lose me forever. you asked me to go see fireworks with you in september next month and made me think you saw us talking in the future. you told me that you wanted to further our relationship to be more than casual, that you weren't sure you felt the way as you did when we first started dating. you were so close to asking me to be official. you asked me if I saw us as a "right now" thing and broke into the biggest grin when I told you definitely no (could've fooled me that you didn't either). you wanted to take care of me when I had pneumonia and listened to me when I talked to you about my baggage. you asked me how you could best help me during a panic attack. you spent so much time talking to me and breaking down my walls.
you held me and told me I was beautiful on your birthday. you kissed my body parts and tried to get me to believe you. you stared into my eyes and couldn't stop smiling and blabbing about how you adored me.
you told me you were falling for me.
on tuesday of this week, you said this to me:
"I'd never stop liking you I just don't always have the time you might want from me."
and then continued to assure me that you loved texting me all day every day and texted many intimate things. was that a lie so you could get what you wanted that night? i don't want to assume that of you, and I don't think you're that type of person, but it's the only conclusion I can come to because just two days later you randomly changed your mind.
now can you kind of see how you led me on? why I'm so hurt?
i did so much for you and was happy to do it. you are one of the best people I know and I was willing to make the sacrifice. willing to wait. willing to go without seeing you. you were so worth it. any time with you or any kind of communication was worth everything... but I guess I didn't know you as well as I thought.
do you see why I thought everything might be a lie? because you switched it off in two days. for — according to you — no other reason than you changed your mind, inspired by no specific event.
so maybe it sounds like I'm a bitch. maybe you'll talk shit about me to your friends about how crazy and possessive I am. but to con someone into think you're into them just to discard them at your convenience is so hurtful. i've been left before because people can't take on all that I'm going through, but being left for absolutely no reason almost hurts more.
stupid me keeps fantasizing about that firework show in st. louis. thinking that maybe you were just scared to realize you want me and get over it and things would go back to the way they were just a few days ago... but I know that's just a fantasy and nothing more. so don't worry that I'll be rude to you at work or anything, because that stupid hope will be there and as inconvenient for me as it may be, you have my heart and my first instinct is to make you happy. but unfortunately I don't see us being friends any time soon. because as hard as it'll be to be without you, you're also the reason I'm crying in my bed every night.
i have two of your shirts here, next to my pillow. i held them for a while, close to my chest like i could find some part of you within them. i'm giving them back tomorrow, but I don't really want to. call me stupid.
anyway. i'll see you around. despite everything, I hope you find what makes you happy. and I didn't actually delete your number, so if you do ever really need to talk when you're overwhelmed, you can call me.
love always, s.
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