Observing

dear s

dear s,

I think that from the second I saw you for the time, at midnight in Walmart with my drunk friend (and your drunk co-worker) by my side that I thought you'd be an important part of my life. and I think that from the second you shook my hand during my first training shift that I knew you'd be.

I didn't know that I'd come to live you, but I had a feeling I might. I'm sure you've broken so many hearts, as you've had yours broken as well. I don't think you see how good you are. but you are, s, you're good. you have your flaws, but nothing that would ever be a dealbreaker. you're late to things, you have a fear of commitment, and you get a little high-and-mighty sometimes, but that isn't bad, that's human, and they pale in comparison to your good traits. you always want to help people. sometimes you're too good for your own good. you have a heard time saying no to people — unless it's to take someone's shift, ha.

there are little moments with you that i hold on to so tightly that i worry they'll start to wear and fade. that moment when you saw me on Christmas Day and exclaimed that i "looked so beautiful." when you told me you were mad at me as you switched batteries on your headseat because i swapped shifts and didn't work with you as originally scheduled. when you covered me up with your coat during my video training because it's always freezing in the back room, and then later when you caught me sleeping that way and said it was cute and that you'd wished you'd taken a picture. that night with M after we'd closed the store and i sat in the back of your car — i was once again wearing your coat, and you once again said how cute i looked. want to know an ultra-embarrassing confession? I almost thought we would kiss that night. we were so close at one point, our heads leaning against one another as you sang along to The Weeknd. you moved your head towards me just an inch, and you looked at me and i just thought — but then it was gone. you learned about my depression and anxiety and scars that night, and you were surprised but hugged me tightly nevertheless. (and even now, you've never once treated me differently for it.)

there was also... when you took me to get my new tire because i'd been driving on a donut for a week and a half because i was too scared to do it on my own. and how, on that same day, we went to dinner together and you paid, and then we worked on music in your room. how when my car was broken down; you told S that you wanted to ne the one to take me to my house instead of her even though it was totally out of your way and along her route home. how you told me you wanted to write a song with me. how you told A that you were so grateful that she brought me to the store. how you told me that you'd marry me, even though you didn't mean it in the way it sounds. all of the times you've told me I'm pretty. the times you cared when no one else seemed to. how you remembered my exact drink order on my second day.

that evening when my shift was over and you tried to stop me from leaving because you wanted to talk because I told you i was tired of fighting. how you looked when i stopped by the store after being released from the hospital, and how tightly you hugged me.

I told you. I hold on and remember it all to the point of exhaustion. I know that i care too much and read too much in to things, but i really thought, for a second, that you liked me back. yet all that time, you were seeing her.

you can imagine my surprise when i woke up that one morning on your living room floor and saw her tiny, delicate arms around your neck, and your feet entangled. I was so humiliated, and prayed you wouldn't wake up while i gathered my things and snuck out. the walk to my car felt like a walk of shame; not because I'd slept with someone, but because i thought that i'd had a chance.

I went straight to the gym from your house and walked the treadmill until my anxiety felt better. I decided during that walk, that i would cut off these feelings for you. I would no longer entertain the thought that you and i would work out somehow. I would accept that you were taken, accept that you were my shift lead, accept that you were seeing someone i consider a friend (which, of course, makes you off bounds no matter what). I couldn't make them immediately go away, of course, but i would try. and as the weeks turn into months, it gets easier. you are still my favorite person to work with, and you still make me smile until my cheeks hurt, but now it's not so painful to see you flirt with other girls. I can be your friend. I can be okay with that.

you may never read this, so you may never know. but ever since I've met you, i've loved you so.

those songs i wrote for us to work on were always about you.

- c