Observing

shout your abortion

shout your abortion

I held the sticker in my hands, feeling like a hypocrite. It was free, and I was pro-choice, so I had ordered it weeks ago. The whole plan was to have people use these to get everyone more comfortable with talking about abortion. Because it is normal. And I do believe that.

But actually holding this sticker in my hands, I felt like a hypocrite.

shout your abortion.

I had done anything but.

Keeping it a secret from the majority of my family was a no-brainer. I just didn't need to deal with the drama, and it's not like telling my story would change their minds. That wasn't the kind of people they were. They just couldn't be swayed into understanding, so it was better for everyone if I kept it quiet.

As for the rest of the world, though, why have I felt so ashamed of speaking up about it? Maybe it was because of how some of my friends reacted. I'd thought I could trust them and that they would totally understand, but instead they retaliated.

I knew what I could and couldn't handle, and I most certainly couldn't handle a baby. Put the health risks of being pregnant that I have aside, I still couldn't be a mom. I can't even keep myself stable enough to live the majority of the time. I live in my small bedroom with the rest of my family. My boyfriend and I are on the rocks. My job pays shit, so how could I possibly afford diapers and formula and clothes and the expense of another life when I can't even afford my own?

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: why haven't I talked about my abortion? Simply put: I was raised in a society where it's shunned. It's one of those things where you glare at the person who mentions it in conversation until they get the hint and pipe down.

But see, that's not good, because they're trying to take it away. And let me tell you something, if they make abortion illegal, that's not gonna stop abortions. That's just going to make them unsafe. Abortions have been around for hundreds and hundreds of years. I can't comprehend why people don't understand that. Just because you believe something is good or bad, that doesn't give you the right to dictate how other people live their lives. I hate olives but I'm not gonna run up to my mom with a picket sign and protest her eating olives. It's her choice.

And so, in an attempt to make the whole topic a little less hush-hush, I'm going to shout my abortion. Buckle up, folks, it's a long story. Because I want to let you know what it's like - when I was researching it I didn't see any articles that really explained what went down. I just saw opinions of experiences, and like that's great to leave and all, but I'm not trying to choose what restaurant I'm eating at. I wanted to know what happened.

For me, this is how it went:

First off, finding out I was pregnant was a nightmare and a half. I had been putting off going to urgent care because I was broke as hell, but I knew I had a UTI. You know when you're peeing and you've had it enough times that you just know? That's how I was. But finally, after about a week of procrastinating the twenty-dollar co-pay, my boyfriend at the time dragged me there when he got off work. He compromised with me by buying me dinner beforehand, so I relented.

They did all the routine tests, a urine and general body exam. I answered the questions, blah blah blah. After a few minutes of waiting, the doctor came back into the room.

I'll never forget that moment. My boyfriend and I had been giggling about a card my mom had given him as a thank you for helping us move into our new house. I was waiting for the doctor to tell me I was right and to prescribe me meds so I could go home and watch a movie.