Observing

dear c

dear not-chandler-bing,

I've had a crush on you for three years.

Whew! I finally said it!

There's a reason I giggle uncontrollably when you're around. There's a reason I never really talked to you when we worked together. I've always liked you so, so much, and have been afraid to let it slip out. I'd rather you not see me than have you really know and deal with rejection.

You dress so well. Is that strange for me to say? I'd hear girls giggle in the fitting room about how you looked like a model, and how it was possible you didn't have a girlfriend. I think I know why. Not to say I know you well enough, but in my theory I think it's because you're just so focused on your life. Your career has to be number one, and you're scared to put something in front of it. Which isn't a bad trait. I know we're all super proud of you and can't wait to see the incredible places you're gonna go.

We both left the job at the same time, which just felt like fate. I can remember this one time, during our last shift together, we were both one minute late. You looked at me as we rushed in and started laughing, because we were the only employees scheduled to open.

"It's nine-oh-one," our manager scolded us. She had been standing in front of the doors, waiting for us with crossed arms. "We're already open."

"It's nine-oh-one, C," you mocked her as we snuck away to clock in. "Gosh."

You left for Japan, and I remember scrolling through your Instagram and marveling at how beautiful you are. I'd show you to my sister, exclaiming, "Look at him!"

I know, I'm the weirdest.

We've never really had an intimate moment, but I hold on to the times you've come through the drive thru and laughed with me. I think of talking about the Taylor Swift concert with you when I need a small, secret smile.

I remember one time you came through the drive-thru for your iced vanilla latte that I always "accidentally" make a venti instead of a grande, and I mentioned that I'd been in love with you for three years. (On the headset inside the store, of course... not actually to you.) One of my coworkers said, "That's not going to happen. I mean, three years? If it hasn't already..."

And like, I knew that. We all knew that, when I mentioned it. When I mentioned you. There is no possibility of us. We're so close, living in the same town and having so many mutual friends, but it isn't enough. We're not the kind of close to hang out with each other.

But.

You still message me when B is at a wedding with you and flirting with all the girls. You still ask me about the new Taylor single. We still joke about outrageous Coachella outfits (never forget the 2019 parka/fedora/Uggs look). And I'll have that.

C, if you didn't think you were special, just know that absolutely no one else could make me listen to Mariah Carey. I put And Don't You Remember on my monthly playlist.

Just keep that in mind.

You'll never know that you hold a piece of my heart. But that's okay. I'm content with that. Seeing you happy and getting to know you at all is enough.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Love always,
c