daomingsi, dongshancai.

a journey through lei

Daoming Si might act like the most jealous brute when it comes to Shancai.

But Lei knows it's nothing compared to what he feels when he sees Si with her.

He's always so calm on the outside, even to the point where even his friends think he's sleepy, but has anyone ever wondered why he's always like this, acting like he could care less?

Well. . . because it kind of hurts.

It hurts to see what he, Lei, could've had with her, and then see Ah Si, who always gets what he wants, finally have what he wants most of all— Shancai.

In the starting, Lei thought Shancai had liked him. He tells himself now he's not bitter about it, but had she ever really liked him, or was it just admiration and the need to know the mystery behind him? That one date they'd gone had been so awkward, and he hadn't done anything to make it less so.

And then the next day, Lei sees her with Si, and how effortless their back-and-forth is, and how she blushes looking at him when she thinks he isn't looking at her, and how completely in love they are with each other, and how infuriating it is when she acts otherwise.

Sometimes, he hates her too.

Lei can see his own pain mirrored in her eyes when she watches Si kiss Xiaozi under the bridge, her hands curling into fists, her whole body trembling, and her eyes turning suspiciously bright. She loves him. That is crystal clear. What he hates the most is how she still denies it.

Just admit you love him! He wants to say. You've never acted like this around Jing, and you never liked me. So if you don't like him, like you say, why is it any different with Xiaozi?

But of course he doesn't say anything, because he is also her friend. Just a friend, and nothing more, although he always has to remind himself of that.

Shancai is still standing there, after Si and Xiaozi are long gone, staring into the spot of the kiss.

"Hey," he says. "It's getting late. Let's go. I'll take you home."

She is quiet for a few seconds, then wiping her face, turns around and nods at him, like in a daze. She starts walking in the direction of his car, but he remains standing.

"Why is it different?" he asks.

"Huh?" she turns around again. "Did you say anything, Lei?"

He considers it for a moment. It doesn't matter, he decides. She loves Si, not him.

And that is that.

". . . no. Nothing at all."

_____

He plays the violin for her, his violin!

His pride and joy; in fact, it suddenly feels odd he's playing his violin for Shancai out here in the public, when he's always, in the rare times that he has, played it for Jing in private. Does this mean he likes the fact that people think that he and Shancai are together? Or is it just to piss Si off? It's probably most likely the latter, or at least that's what he tells himself.

Anyway, he's playing his violin for her, and she has on that awkward expression that he knows so well, and his nerves make him want to immediately stop the whole thing just to make her stop looking at him like that.

But he is Lei, the cool and collected of the F4, so he continues.

He can feel Ah Si's heated stare on him even as he beckons to her, and he knows that this will have severe consequences later, but for once it is him she is looking directly at, him she is facing. Even if it is a dream and none of it is real, he wants to pretend it is, at least for a little while.