The Heart Wants What It Wants: The Sequel

5

She found herself feeling grateful for the darkness as he drove them back towards the city.  A comfortable silence had been lingering for a while, but she couldn't keep quiet any longer.  He deserved, for once, for her to be honest and upfront with him about what was in her heart.  No more protecting him from the ugly truth.  

"I do love you," she said softly, hoping to start the conversation out on a gentle note.  "I want you to know that I care about you very much, and I'd like to be there for you while you're going through this - if you want me to be."

He turned his head and looked at her before glancing in the rearview and turning his signal on. After pulling off the shoulder and stopping the rental car, he put the shifter into park and stared ahead for a moment before turning and looking at her.

"Sorry, come again?"

The way he was looking at her made it nearly impossible to repeat what she'd just said.  She knew he'd heard her, but she was at a loss for what he wanted her to say.  So she repeated what she'd said.

"Yeah I got all that," he deadpanned, his lips pressing tightly together.  

His eyes flickered over her face, and the wind from a passing car shook theirs a little.  It grew quiet again, and she licked her lips nervously.

What did she want to say?  She loved Draco but she loved James too.  She couldn't have them both, but had she been too hasty with her decisions lately?  

It felt right to be around Draco, and she was certain that she loved him, but being around James had given her powerful feelings today too.  She didn't trust herself anymore to make the right decision about anything.  

"Just because I gave you an orgasm-"

"Two," she corrected with a slight smile.

"Just because I finally gave you an orgasm doesn't mean you know what you're saying. All he has to do is pop into your head or come by wherever you're working, or call, or text, or curl his little finger and you'll be back where you started - confused and wanting him too. I can't live like that anymore. He may be willing to share you just to stay in the game but I can't."

He stared ahead but she wasn't going to let it drop.  The snowball was already rolling down the proverbial hill.

"I love you both."

"Hermione," he paused and then sighed, struggling with words. "I shouldn't have done what I did back there today.  I wasn't myself and you weren't yourself.  I know you love him, and I know you love him more.  If you loved me more, you wouldn't have left.  So what is there to talk about?"

"Things weren't clear for me a few days ago.  I didn't realise I loved you.  I thought since I loved Draco that it meant I couldn't possibly love you too.  But I do love you, I just don't know where I belong."

"My father dying? That's what it takes to make things clear for you? I'm trying not to be a real dick right now but that really seems a bit too much for me to grasp right now."

For a moment, neither of them spoke.  Perhaps she'd judged Draco too harshly for his twisted ideas once upon a time, because now she felt just as twisted and fucked up.  It was selfish, but now that he wasn't chasing her down...she couldn't comprehend what she was feeling now, but it wasn't healthy for her or for James.

"This is all really really messed up," he chuckled darkly, rubbing his face with his hands. "I'm really tired, it's getting late, and it's been one of the worst days of my life."

"I know you still love me.  I know this is all fucked up and I'm sorry that things are happening like this.  I didn't want your father to die.  You can blame a lot of things on me but that isn't one of them.  I'm offering to be here for you while you sort it out, and I'm trying to be honest with you for once.  We were going to get married, and one of the vows would've been 'for better or for worse'...well here's the 'for worse' part, me telling you the God's honest truth - that I love you both and I don't know where I belong.  I only know I felt love for you today, and that I'm not ready to choose anyone right now, not anymore."

He glanced sideways at her, finally hearing something that spoke to him.

"You realise that I'm angry about this, since we're being straightforward with each other now?  I'm angry at you, at the world, and I'm damn sure angry that you expect me to compete for you with the same fucking prick that treated you like rubbish."

"He apologised for that, and he regrets everything.  He's grown up since then, and I've made plenty of mistakes too."  She turned and stared ahead at the road as another car passed, pushing the car around a little.  "I'm staying at the Chelsea Hotel if you want to get ahold of me."

"Chelsea...of course," he muttered, turning his signal on and putting the car in drive.

He pulled back out onto the highway and got back up to speed again.

"I'm not staying at Draco's."

"Well, that's something, at least. Did you sleep with him?"

"No, I didn't."

Guess it's not just a Draco thing to be fixated on the sex with someone else, she thought, frowning bitterly.

"I'm going to need some time, and I can't make any promises."

He turned the radio on quietly and they talked very little the rest of the way.

As the lights of London appeared on the horizon, relief washed over her.  Everyone needed time to think, and she would need her phone to get in touch with Draco, to explain that she needed some time to figure things out.

"My phone's in your sister's car, along with my bag."

"I'll track Emily down tomorrow and get it for you."

"My room's reserved after tomorrow so I'll have to move somewhere else until I figure things out.  I can let you know where I land, if you want."

"There's plenty of places you could stay by me. If you're planning on dropping by soon, you might as well be nearby."

By no means was she looking to commit to anything, and he wasn't offering for her to stay with him.  It seemed like a sensible solution, since she could always go somewhere else if she wanted to.

"I'll look some up when I get back to my room."

When he finally pulled up in front of the hotel, she realized her room key was in her bag, along with her ID.

"Will you wait out here for just a moment? My key and my ID are in my purse so I'm not sure if they'll give me a replacement key without my ID."

"Do you need some money or anything tonight?"

"No, it's okay.  I should be fine until tomorrow.  Could you just make sure they'll let me in before you go?"

He nodded, so she got out and went inside, relieved that they recognized her and didn't need to see her identification. She hurried back outside with her replacement key and leaned down as he lowered the window.

"They know me by now I guess. They gave me another one, no problem."

"You're sure you don't need any money?"

"Positive, but thank you."

His gaze was direct and intense, and she started to straighten and tell him goodnight before he said something he might regret tomorrow, but he stopped her.

"Hey."

She turned and leaned back down, holding his gaze in the dark car interior.

"We didn't use a condom today...I'm sorry about that.  Should I drive you to a pharmacy or something so you can take something?"

He may as well have slapped her.  Her lips parted in shock, as only days ago he'd been desperately wanting a family.  And now, here he was, being so cavalier about terminating a possible pregnancy.

"No thank you," she replied flatly.  "Goodnight, and thanks for the lift back."

She left the car idling in the street and didn't look back.