Bianca & Adore / their story

13. Hope will save and kill us all

Adore's pov

Since Bianca came here I lied awake and stared at the ceiling. No matter how hard I tried it was impossible to fall asleep. So many thoughts populated my mind, it was driving me wild. Why did Roy kiss me and then kissed another guy? Why did he visit me so late at night, soaked in rain-water, although we already saw each other that day. Why didn't I listen and threw him out right away? I didn't even give him a proper chance to say his side of the story. Maybe he does like me after all....
Who am I kidding? Noone ever liked me back. At least not as much as I liked them. I'm not meant for love, I never was.

I looked at the clock on my nightstand. It was 11am already? Time flies by when you think too much ...
I felt my sheets move underneath me. Ben woke up from his sleep, rubbing his blue eyes.
One glance at the clock he moaned slightly. "Its so late already? Why didn't you wake me?"
"I thought you wanted to sleep in after the party.", I said, locking eyes.
"Well, I didnt, but thanks for assuming that.", Ben said jokingly while slowly getting up from bed. "How long have you been awake?" "I didn't sleep." Dela's eyes widened. "Why? Because of the alcohol?" I brushed it off. "Its nothing." I didn't want to talk about what happened yesterday. I needed to process it myself, without someone's opinions of who's not involved in this choas. "Well, okay. I'm there if you want to talk, Adore.", he said going to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

I checked my phone.
*You have 1 new message*
Roy. Was he mad? Do I want to look or should I just ignore it forever? But my curiousity won over straight thinking.

Roy: Sorry I kissed you

Wow. That sounded harsh. I knew it was the alcohol ... I am unlovable.
As soon as I almost started to bawl my eyes out again, my phone lit up. Another message from Roy.

Roy: I mean... I'm not reaaally sorry, because I don't regret it. But you obviously got hurt by it, so I feel like I need to apologize.

I thought about it. He wasnt sorry for kissing me, but he was sorry for hurting me ... Sounds legit.
After hesitating for a few seconds, I typed an answer.

You: Its fine. I know I overreacted. Sorry for that.

Roy: Its okay. No worries.

You: Did it mean anything to you?

Roy: What?

You: Our kiss

I waited passionatly for a reply. Slowly biting all my fingernails off. 'Soon there will be no nails, I may start to eat my fingers already.', I thought. I proceeded to stare at my phone, full of hope, that had not died yet. Hope is what kills us, without hope there'd be no dissapointment.
We hope for our dream job and if we don't get it we're dissapointed. We hope for love like in the movies, for sunny days like we're in spain. We hope for laughter, fun, good grades ... If we don't get all that, nothing makes sense. We're dissapointed in ourselves. Because no matter who's fault it is, its always our responsibility. We know that.

While a thousand thoughts ran through my mind, I couldn't stop hoping, staring at my phone.
But painful seconds turned into minutes. Empty minutes turned into hours.
Still no single message appeared on my sceen. But oh, how I wanted to see his name light up my phone. But oh, how I wanted his lips on my own.