(im)patience

Chapter 11

[Kaycee]

I splashed so much water on my face that my eyes were burning and I was starting to feel like a stranded fish. I cleaned up quickly with a paper towel and grabbed on tightly both sides of the sink between my fingers. I was almost losing a staring contest with myself in the mirror when a drop of water fell in the middle of my reflected face, bringing me to reality. Get your shit together, Kaycee.

A deep breath should do the trick, or so I thought, until I felt my palms sweating again as my mind slipped a thousandth time to the rehearsals two hours from now. I washed my hands once more and silently prayed that Brian's class will freeze in time and last forever.

If just seeing his figure in the furthest corner of the studio made my knees this weak, I was certainly not looking forward to turning into a full-time jello once we were alone. I should have expected him to be here, the timing was too perfect. We had our scheduled rehearsal for the tour exactly after Brian's class was supposed to finish. The mental preparation would have been helpful. My brain should have given me a heads up. Stupid.

Self pep-talks were my go-to when dealing with anxiety or overwhelming emotions, so I gave myself a death glare in the mirror and whispered a quick "This is ridiculous and unnecessary". I kicked the bathroom door a bit too harshly before having the chance to get any second thoughts.

The following two hours went by in a blur. I was on autopilot mode; learning the choreo and filming it in a trio formation chosen by Brian. As soon as the music stopped after my performance, any piece of normality died with it. A second later Brian called Sean to the middle, the wave of applause freezing me in place. I felt Bailey's hand dragging me to the side of the studio and as soon as she let me go, my body decided it was time for a break, leaving me seated directly on the floor, legs criss crossed in front of the mirror.

I wish I could have calmed down my shallow breaths while watching him confidently walk around the dance floor waiting for the music to start. So unbothered with his ways of standing out without even trying.

Without realizing, as usual, he briefly touched his nose before starting. The familiar gesture made my lips tug into a faint smile and it suddenly made me wish that the rest of the class went by faster.

As if some genie was listening to my thoughts, around halfway through the third eight-count, he met for a split of a second my dazed gaze and messed up the rest of the routine. Encouraging cheers and claps echoed around the whole studio and after some cheesy joke about how nobody is perfect coming from Brian, he went to start the music over again. But Sean quickly jogged in the same direction, gently stopping him and after a quick exchange of words, he immediately grabbed his stuff and left the room a second later.

I barely had time to jolt back on my feet before he was already gone. The pulse riding way too high and the pounding pressure in my ears made it almost impossible to focus on anything else. I snatched my backpack from the floor while running out of there, the route to the smallest rehearsal room from Millenium quickly unfolding in front of my eyes.

In spite of how fast I got there and how chaotic the last week has been, everything froze after I opened the door separating me from the destination. There was no sound, no movement. Sean was sitting with his legs straightened in front of him and his back leaning on the mirror wall. He had this blank stare, unfocused on anything, not even blinking. It was the perfect embodiment of emptiness, his relaxed limbs revealing a tiredness my soul related to on the same level.

My legs moved on their own, kneeling beside him. I watched him attentively, afraid of disturbing the silence, with my hands intertwined on my thighs to keep them from reaching. Every breath he took in without acknowledging my presence weakened my already fragile being.

They say ignorance it's worse than anger or sorrow, it means there's nothing left to hold onto. We can blame them for giving up, of course, but isn't there maybe an inner universe where our heart and mind finally make up their differences and agree on letting a soul survive. Eliminate the cause of misery from its roots, like denying completely its existence. The limit of blows an ego can bear is measured by the person giving them and it seemed like we ran out of chances.

We stayed in the same positions for I don't know how long, while my overflowing tears quietly streamed and fell on my clenched together hands, almost spasming to touch him. My eyes never left his features, but when the itching forced them closed, I felt some movement beside me and soft fingers unclasped my tensed ones, pulling carefully and sitting me on his lap. My breath got stuck in my throat and my limbs felt so heavy I wasn't able to move a muscle. I closed my eyes tighter, trying to make some reason from what was happening, but my numb body was in absolute panic mode.

Gentle hands placed my head on his shoulder, one remaining there, roaming through my curls in circular relaxing motions, while the other moved soothingly along my exposed arm and legs in a slow and successful attempt to calm me down.

"It's okay, you're fine. I'm sorry, Kayc, I'm so sorry." He kept repeating those reassuring words in a whisper, squeezing my body tighter from time to time, until I was able to open my eyes. Getting hold of my senses once again, all I could focus on was his proximity and how his touch and voice turned into shivers on my end.

I slowly raised my shaky hands and wrapped them around his shoulders, burying my face completely in the crook of his neck into a hug as tight as my exhausted body allowed.

"God, Sean, I-", my words got chocked by a sob as I felt his hands snaking around my body with the same force. Maybe earlier wasn't about giving up, maybe it was just a bitter withdrawal from reality.

He shushed me until all the angst accumulated was knocked out on his now soaked shirt and we were found once again in a motionless state, only this time it was the comforting type of silence. He lightly loosened my grip on him and put enough distance between us so that we could face each other. Thinking he wanted to push me away, I grabbed his collar between my fingers by reflex, which immediately made him stop his movements. He gave me a wry smile and put a hand over my tiny one, engulfing it completely. I tried to say something, but he quickly placed a finger on my lips stopping me.

After he made sure I got the message, he spread his long fingers along my jaw, stroking my right cheek with his thumb as he looked me intensely in the eyes and sighed a relieved "Let's just go home".  

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[Author's note]

I know I suck for not posting in so long and I'm rusty and this may have turned out way cheesier than expected, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. In the middle of the mess that is my life right now, this is what we got. I don't know if there's anyone left following this story, but y'all some real ones if you do. Thank you for having patience with me and this story (peep the title, pun intended).