Control

xl | run and hide

I TWIRL THE PLASTIC, LIFELESS ROSE IN BETWEEN MY FINGERS AS I SIT ON THE SHADY GRASSY AREA UNDER THE TREE. There was a memorial service for everyone who lost their lives in the war, no matter what side they were on. The bodies that were found and recovered were buried earlier on. I sat at the edge of the graveyard, not finding the guts to go inside. This was the final goodbye, even if I said it to them months before. I couldn't do this. But I couldn't deny it any longer.

"Laur?" I turned around. Tyson approached me, sitting down next to me. "You okay?"

"Leave me alone." This was how it usually was. Tyson always manages to stay for longer than I wanted him to, making me actually talk. "I actually want to be alone right now."

"I have to tell you something. I forgot to mention it last week at the hospital," Tyson explained. It didn't sound urgent but it seemed like he was dying to tell me what was going on. I pulled my sky blue hoodie closer to my chest and told him to continue.

"Kassandra is pregnant." As he says the words, I look at him with shocked eyes. I never expected her to move on so quickly from Spencer, someone she's loved since the beginning of time. Wasn't this like a betrayal or something?

"Congrats to her," I muttered, clearly upset. Why would he want to tell me that?

"Lauren, I think you're kind of missing the point. Five months, Lauren. He was alive back then, Lauren."

I looked at him dumbstruck. "You really think he had time to make a child in the middle of a war?" But then it started to click, his final words to Kass. 

"I can't risk you losing it."

"I won't, I won't."

He knew. He knew he was going to be a father. They were planning on keeping it. In the middle of a war where the future was uncertain, where Spencer risked his life, and it ended up being taken, his last words to his girlfriend was to take care of the life he created and wanted to raise, but never got to.

"Kass was wondering if you had the time to visit her later, she's kind of sick at the moment and wanted to visit you but couldn't... She just wants to talk, Laur," he adds as uncertainty spread across my face. I didn't really know what to say to Kass, knowing how much Spencer meant to her.

I examine my fingers, not knowing what to say in response. So many things were running through my mind, first off being what the hell, Spencer, I thought he was more careful and wasn't going to end up like Dad, and second, the kid is going to grow up without a father. Spencer couldn't be here.

"I need a minute," I say, my voice suddenly growing weaker. This was it, I needed to walk in there. So many bodies, all lost partially because of me. I needed a second to take that in. All these precious lives, gone. Everyone I cared for, gone.

I stopped briefly in front, a few meters away from the entrance of the graveyard. There was a tombstone for Alyssa, even though her ashes were already spread in the lake. On either side of her were her parents' grave. It still made me bitter that Institute members were buried here too. But in the end, the adults on King Jacin's council that was left said that we were all human being and innocent lives were lost. Everyone ended up being put in the same place.

Alyssa and I did not have enough time together. I don't know why, but I never seemed to be able to be as close to her as I was with the boy. She was always just kind of there, at least in the last year that I remembered her. I probably needed her a little more in my life. I managed to push her away too, haven't I?

I couldn't bare to stand there and stare at her grave. She was the first person I killed that I actually cared about. Well, I guess Cole was the first, even if I wasn't the one pulling the trigger on him.