ice tea.

014

it's a shitty day today. my shoes are all damp and gross from the rain outside and they do that annoying ass squeaking thing every time i take a turn in the hallways. so does everybody else's shoes, so it's just a cacophony fuck-fest of squeaking and sloshing. terrific way to start off the day.

trying to make my mood a little better, i get the peach tea now instead of at lunch. i know this kid writes his notes early in the day, so i'm hoping it's already there for me to read and enjoy.

and of course, there's the telltale, small, glaring yellow post-it note hanging off the corner of the vending machine wall right over the line of peach tea, waiting patiently to be read and written on.

"sometimes, i feel everything is a little pointless. or, not sometimes. most of the time. i'll take a test, for example, and i'll fail really badly. i start getting upset, but then a part of me says 'well, it doesn't matter. it's just one grade, colleges don't check for one grade.'

then it starts adding up and that thought becomes, 'well, college only matters so much, you'll find your way one way or another.'

sometimes, i feel i get above the stormy clouds of my thoughts and look down upon the storm, like i'm self aware. i notice it's a weak coping mechanism. saying nothing matters, saying life is meaningless. it's a way to excuse misconduct, a way to hide and cower away from the issues that come with life. a way to shift blame, telling yourself it's life's fault, not your own.

yet, over and over again, i fall into this coping mechanism. you've seen how i talk of the word, it's despicable. i've been trying harder not to, trying to have hope for the world, trying to be better. i fear that sometimes, if i let myself listen to these weak thoughts, i'll become someone i don't want to be. more so than right now.

but it's hard to find a perfect balance, you know? between hope and hopelessness, between selfishness and selflessness, between life and death. every time i try being lighter on myself, i become nihilistic. and every time i'm too hard on myself, i become self loathing.

neither one is who i want to be. and that's the hardest balance to achieve for me.

(your dog is adorable (-: and your handwriting looked really good yesterday)

-my JK"

i don't know why, but something about reading that message didn't sit right with me. it's almost as if the sorrow seeped out of the words into the air. it almost didn't feel fair, knowing this shit head was saying all these bad things about himself without considering the good in himself at all. of course if you highlight only the bad in something, it's going to look like shit. but nothing is all bad.

i'm bad with words. how the hell am i going to get something like that across to him? every time i talk soulfully, it feels so insincere. i'm not built for pep talks. but i don't want this poor guy to be lost alone.

without thinking, i start crossing out bits of his statements. replacing 'want' with 'will,' replacing 'trying' with 'having.' of course i have to change grammar here and there, because the stupid ass english language doesn't want to agree with my message (not that i even know what my message is.) and after i do that, i start writing, trying my very fucking hardest to make him show he matters. matters to me.

"saying who you 'want' to be is also self destructive. you make it sound so far away, like something you will never achieve.

it's fucking corny to say and i'm gagging writing this, i promise, but instead of saying you 'want' to be something, you gotta say you 'will' be something. i've done you the honour. re-read your part, see how much better it sounds when you say 'neither one is who i will be' than what you wrote? even just a small difference like that is big in the long term.

trying too is a bad word, maybe use have instead? 'i have been having hope in the word, i have been better.'

see, you make yourself out to be so weak and frail, but you're really not. you're human for fucks sake, we're the most invasive species on this planet. if we all together can take over and conquer an entire fucking planet, you can be better.

you will be better. i have hope for you. and i will always have hope for you.

MY G"

i vend the peach tea almost anxiously, hoping to myself that he'll get that i'm trying to say i care for him.

it feels stupid, saying it so obscurely through a fucking preachy ass note, but just outright saying 'i care for you' doesn't feel right either. it feels entirely insincere, like any other empty promise.

what the fuck do i know, thought. all i know is i want this guy to feel wanted.