playing god

seven || logical

"well, how could that be logical?..."

—

<333

tyorkie: hey hayles....

hayley: hi t

tyorkie: are you okay?

hayley: honestly...

hayley: no

tyorkie: :( im really sorry, h. do you want to talk about it?

hayley: i feel like i shouldnt... i know ur josh's friend and it probably sucks seeing all this dumb shit,and getting caught in the middle of it all

tyorkie: hey, no, it's okay hayles.. im your friend too, always, and right now it really seems like you need one

hayley: thanks so much t

hayley: its just... what the fuck am i supposed to do about josh? things are supposed to be fine, but everytime i think we're doing alright, something just fucks it all up.

hayley: im supposed to work harder to keep us together, i know, im supposed to care more, im supposed to want it more. im supposed to love him.

tyorkie: don't you?

tyorkie: ..love him?

hayley: i...

hayley: you know, there was a time when i would have said "yes" the moment after you asked me, without even thinking, regardless of what i was actually feeling, just because i felt i didn't have to think about it, i just had to say it. no other answer was appropriate or allowed or reasonable

tyorkie: do you still feel that way?

hayley: honestly.. i dont know what i feel

tyorkie: hayley, you're allowed to make your own decisions. these are your feelings, and you don't have to convince yourself that you love him if you don't

hayley: i don't. you're right. i don't love him. i dont, i cant

tyorkie: its okay, hayles, you don't have to. you can let him go, i promise

hayley: no.... i don't want to hurt him. and it's not like he's blatantly doing anything wrong, he doesn't deserve this. i cant do that to him

tyorkie: it sounds like staying with him is hurting you, and im sure he doesn't want to do that to you either

hayley: no, i know, you're right, of course he doesn't

hayley: god, what am i doing?

tyorkie: hayley, you need to leave him

hayley: no, i can't. it'll mess up everything, with our friendships, our band. i just have to be strong

tyorkie: you have to take care of yourself, that's what takes the most strength

hayley: im sorry t, i can't do it. i can't

tyorkie: okay, i understand. its okay

hayley: thank you t

hayley: but...no

hayley: no, it's not okay

tyorkie: why isn't it okay, hayles?

hayley: it's not okay

hayley: damnit..

hayley: it's not okay because i don't love josh.

hayley: i love you, t

hayley: im sorry. i love you taylor

tyorkie: hayley...

hayley: im sorry

tyorkie: no.... hayley, you can't

hayley: i know

tyorkie: hayley, you're allowed to fall out of love with josh, you're allowed to break up with him, you're allowed to stand up to him and stand up for yourself. but you can't... do *this* to him. and definitely not with me, his friend

hayley: but taylor, i can't leave him, it would ruin everything. and i love you, and im sure he doesn't love me anymore either

tyorkie: hayley, stop. you can't do this, you can't cheat on josh, and you can't do this to me

hayley: do what? be in love with you?

tyorkie: no. you cant give me false hope that it'll work out between us when you're still with josh, because ill believe you, and it will hurt so much more because i

hayley: taylor ...im so sorry

tyorkie: im sorry too

hayley: can we talk then? in person, just you and me? can you come to my room?

tyorkie: i don't know if that's a good idea...

hayley: please, taylor.... i need you right now, i can't be alone, please

tyorkie: okay hayles im coming, ill be right there

hayley: i love you, taylor

tyorkie: ill be right there

-

there are many topics that should be quite black and white, quite moral or immoral and easy to understand and pick a side, but in which i have trouble doing so. there are many topics that should affect me more than they do, and i guess this is one of those that blurs the lines of pain for me. but i could never say this, can i? of course this is immoral. of course it's always wrong. of course it is.

i shouldn't hate this as much as i do. but i hate this feeling. no matter what i do, or how i spend my time, i can only ever feel like i'm running out.