Joji Imagines

Attention

Joji's fingers swirl on your shoulder. The wall is blank. The white is so easy to get lost in. You don't know why you did this to yourself. Or Joji, in fact.

You open your mouth to speak, but the words won't come out. They're lost. Almost as lost as you are.

"What's wrong," Joji's raspy morning voice reaches across the bed and hits you like a wave. Joji cares. Joji... cares... it's so so right, but you're so so wrong for him.

With no reply Joji lets out a sigh, "you said it would be different..."

You shake your head. Tears begin to blur your vision, "I..I-" your sentence is stopped again.

Joji shuffles in the bed. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve any of this. You want to reach over. You want to make it better, but you know yourself. You know you'd make it worse. You tell him you do love him. But then he thinks you're saving his ego for the next time. You tell him he's not right for you. You're breaking his heart. You turn in the bed to face him. Disappointment lingers on his face. You grab his hands, and you press your warm lips against them. The tears begin to make their journey down your face and onto his hands. You can hear him crying.
~~~

"I just don't understand," you cup your hands over your ears.

"Are you stupid," Charlie asks you.

You bite at your nails some more. They're all bleeding. You pause. Life stops. For a minute... just a minute. All you can hear is your breathing. All you can feel is your breathing. All you can sense is your breathing, but only one thought comes to mind, "Joji.."

"Who," Charlie comes close to your face.

You look up. Your legs are crossed. Your eyes feel like they're bulging out of your skull. All the tears have dried on your skin. You give a light smile, "no one, Charlie."

Charlie looks upset. Mad. Charlie is never sad. Charlie never regrets what he's doing. You give another heavy hearted smile.

The door to your apartment slams. Charlie is gone. Probably to do drugs with his friends again. But you're not worried. You're not phased. It's been two years now, and you still think of Joji. You only have one thought on your mind...

You messily throw all your clothes into suitcases. Tears stream down your face as your hair gets in your eyes. You can't do this anymore. You throw your heavy coat on, and you leave. Forever on another mission away from Charlie.

Walking down the cold streets with a suitcase brings you back. You remember the old days. The days where you'd hop from boyfriend to boyfriend. You always relied on Joji to save you. Joji never fell through, but my god were you afraid. You knew your fears, but would Joji ever know your fears. You've whispered to him while he kissed your forehead, "I'm afraid if I hurt you, God's gonna teach me a lesson."

Little did Joji know, God did teach you a lesson. Every single time you walked out on Joji. It just. It felt wrong to leave him behind so many times, but it felt so much worse to be with him. The guilt. The weight. The realization that you could never be who Joji truly needed always pushed you out. Out of his life. Out of his door. Out on your own.

You take a deep breath before you knock on the door. It's pretty cold outside. The door swings open pretty quickly. Bright brown eyes and the cheesy smile that you would cherish was back. And he was smiling at you.

"Y/N, I.. I wasn't expecting you. Please, come in," Joji opens the door wider. His house is cold and quiet. It was only cold and quiet when you left, but it was always warm and candle lit when you came by. Joji knew that was your favorite.

You give a heavy smile and lean in for a hug. He gives you a big hug. Your favorite kind of hug. You pull back, "it's been so long!"

Joji chuckles, "yeah. A couple years, yeah?"

"Two," you mumble.

He looks at you in wonder. He always knew how to make you feel thoroughly appreciated with just one look. Maybe now was the time. Maybe it could work out this time. You had a feeling-

"Coffee," Joji asked.

You close your eyes for a quick second and smile, "yes, please. It's been....quite the day."

You follow him into his kitchen and sit at the bar. He begins to fill the coffee pot up with water. You can't help but notice his messy hair. The messy hair you'd run your fingers through as long as he'd let you.

Joji broke the silence, "how have you been?"

He's scooping coffee into the filter, now. The smell eases you. You whisper, "very tired. And you?"

He begins to press buttons, "I've been pretty relaxed recently."

You look around at the dim house. You shiver. "It's kind of... different in here."

Maybe you could bring Joji back. You could bring Joji back to reality (if he'd let you) with warm lighting. And warm scents. And warm-

"That's how Madison likes it," he begins pouring two cups of coffee.

You feel choked up. A knot is in your throat. He's mixing creamer and sugar into your cup. He knows the perfect amount.

"Who," you ask, holding back tears.

"My girlfriend, Madison," Joji repeats in a low voice. "She's a great girl. She's a trauma nurse. She's working the night shift tonight."

You sip the coffee he's passed you and you nod.

"Do you need a place to stay? You know you're always welcome here," Joji gives his Joji smile. He opens the cabinet under the sink. He begins to pull out candles. Before you know it, he's got the lighter in his hands.

You receive a text. You look down at your phone and it's Charlie: hey, babe. Come home.
You sigh. Charlie isn't ruining this.

"I would love that," you smile.

~~~

Joji's fingers swirl on your shoulder. The wall is blank. The white is so easy to get lost in. You don't know why you did this to yourself. Or Joji, in fact.

You turn to face him. He's naked and unconcerned about the blanket not covering him. You giggle.

"What," Joji asks you.

"I love you, Joji," you get closer to him. "I realized. I love you."

Disappointment spreads across his face. It's a different kind of disappointment. It's expressionless, and he looks irritated. Your heart begins to race. This man... this is not Joji.

"I think it's time you leave. This was a mistake, anyways," Joji stands up and walks to a drawer. He pulls out a pair of underwear and slides them on. You feel your heart break.

"I.. I... I can make it up to you," your eyes begin to water. You don't try to hold the tears back. You stand up and you walk to him.

He's towering over you. His breathing is normal, while yours is panicked and heavy. He shakes his head. He leans down and whispers, "I'm afraid if I hurt you, God's gonna teach me a lesson." He leaves a small kiss on your forehead.