i think i love you. ethma

ch. five

*this is like a week from the last chapter*

i haven't seen or really talked to ethan in a good week. i've just been so incredibly swamped with homework, chores and just life.

i needed a distraction from all the shit that's been going on in my life.

i text ethan but he's a football practice so we can't hang out. amanda and olivia are busy too so i have no idea what the fuck i'm going to with myself alone.
and when i'm alone my thoughts tend to get dark.

i've been sitting on my bed for the past 2 hours crying about random shit. that's one thing about me, i cry a fuckton. i go through these patches where i'm doing great and am a super happy version of myself, but then, more often than not i'm where i am right now. crying my eyes out having a full fledged panic attack.

i look at my phone and there's multiple texts from ethan

ethan: hey em i'm done with practice of you want to hang out now
*sent two hours ago*

ethan: emma?
ethan: babe are you okay

i leave him on read because i wouldn't want ethan to see me like this. he's always telling me that i'm beautiful and telling me how much he loves me but i don't know. i don't believe it most of the time.

*incoming facetime call from ethan*
shit. i cant ignore him any longer or he'll just show up to my house.
quickly i wipe away all of my tears and try to put on my best "i'm totally okay" look

i pick up the call and try and make my voice sound less shakey and soft from crying
"hey e" i say trying to sound casual,
ethan picks up on my tone of voice immediately and asks "em what's wrong?"
"what do you mean? i'm fine"
"emma you're eyes are all puffy and you're cheeks and nose are red"
damn he got me
"have you been crying" he says with the cutest sad face i've ever seen
"u-uh no"
"what happened?" he's so considerate that's why i love him.
"okay i know you're not going to tell me right now so i'm coming over"
"e-ethan really you don't have to do that. i'm fine see" i say putting on the worst fake smile ever.
" i don't care. im coming over. i love you, see you soon em"

he hangs up and i go straight back to crying. i'm bawling so hard. i try and act all tough, but i'm so insecure. and i have zero self confidence. that's where most of my breakdowns stem from.

i hear a knock on my bedroom door so i get up to open it. it's ethan

"oh em baby what's wrong?"

i don't even answer him i just wrap my arms around him bury my head into his chest and cry softly for a while. ethan doesn't complain. he just holds me and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. god i don't deserve him.

after a little while i break away from ethan and stop crying. he grabs my face and places little kisses everywhere. in between every kiss he whispers "i love you".he lets me go and places a soft kiss on my lips.

i sit on my bed and ethan does the same. he hands me a bag and tells me to open it. inside there's 2 boxes of cheez-its, a pack of carmex, a scrunchie and a napoleon dynamite dvd.

"why do you know me so well"i ask him
"oh i don't knowwww" he says

i open the box of cheez-its and start eating them when ethan says,
"emma why were you crying earlier?" he says looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes of his and i break down.

i tell him everything, about how i hate myself, hate the way i look. i point out all my flaws to him, how many nights i cry myself to sleep. i even tell him about how i'm not worthy of him and he could find someone so much better but he's stuck with me.

by the end i'm crying and hyperventilating. and before i know it i'm having a panic attack. i just hug my knees and cry into them.

ethan grabs my small body and holds me.
"emma you are the most incredible person i've ever met. your laugh is infectious. you're so humble. you're the sweetest and smartest girl i've ever fucking met. and don't even get me started on how absolutely beautiful you are. i don't deserve you. i don't deserve your kind heart and funny attitude. i love the hell out of you. every part of you."

i nod and hug ethan so tight. i hug him like if i were to let go that he'd disappear.

"i'm your boyfriend emma. if you ever feel shitty ill be there to help you." he says and gives me a small smile

"can you stay over?" i say "i dont want to be alone right now"
"of course" says ethan

he gets under the covers with me and we cuddle in silence for a long time.

"i love you so fucking much" i say softly. and if it wasn't for ethan being right next to me, he wouldn't have heard me. he presses his a passionate kiss against my lips and says, "i love you so much more"

ethan falls asleep but i have no interest in going to sleep. my head is pressed against his chest and i just lay there feeling the pattern of his breathing. i feel my head rise up and down with every breath ethan takes. how the hell did i get so lucky with ethan. i lay there just thinking when i realize i never told my mom about this. she's going to flip her shit. she's always wanted me and ethan to get together, but we were always to busy hating each other to be in a relationship. i guess there really is a thin line between love and hate.

i look over at my alarm clock and it's already 4 in the morning. i'm deep in thought when i feel warm tears roll down my cheeks. i start shaking. it's another fucking panic attack. damn it i don't want to wake ethan.

almost immediately ethan sits up and wraps his arms around my body. this almost instantaneously calms me and i melt into ethan's hug.

"are you okay baby?" ethan says his voice groggy from just waking up.
"yes e i'm okay now. thank you" i say
"for what em?" he says now rocking side to side, me still engulfed in his arms.
"for calming me down. for comforting me. for being you. i love you"
"you don't have to thank me baby. i love you too" he kisses the top of my forehead and we lay back down.

i fall asleep instantly. ethan's warmth comforting my restless body.

i wake up later to ethan planting kisses on cheeks. i open my eyes and ethan's standing above me.

"good morning princess" he says
"hey e" i say sitting up to stretch
"i was thinking we could grab breakfast?"
"okay sure. let me get ready"

ethan sits on my bed while i get dressed. i put on some jeans, my black and white striped unif shirt, a white belt and my air force ones.

i tell ethan that i'm ready to go and we head out. i'm in control of the aux so i play some tame impala because i love him and i know that ethan does too. we're singing along to the music. this is vibey as hell, i think to myself. ethan grabs my hand as we're both screaming the song the less i know the better, by tame. after that i play some rex orange county surprisingly, ethan knows some of the songs.

man do i love this boy.

*hey thanks for reading. if i have time i'm going to try and post the next chapter later tonight.

if you're reading this i appreciate you <3*