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8.decision.

Have you ever gone to your thinking corner and made resolutions that would impact your life positively?well last night i did.if  you have been in my position may you would have .

Feeling guilty  ,stupid,  ignorant and burdened,a weight was lifted off my shoulders last night  after i repented  ,a lot of crying was involved it was clearly  an  eye opener for me ,i realized how much my life had been messed up before Aggy and it pains me to know that its something i will  have to live with for the rest of my life  since i cant change it. that's how funny the past is ,no matter how remorseful you become you can never alter it unless you are  a cast in the charmed TV series.

i just said charmed its my favorite because in a way it  allows  me to dream for a while and that is all it gets to be , a DREAM.

Avoiding Sophie and the likes has become my full time job  .i don't want them feeding my baby crap about me ,or even telling her about her whereabouts.i know i wont hide her dads identity forever but that is shit i would rather not discuss right now she ain't mature yet,but when the time comes i intend to disclose everything theres is to know,no filters if need be,but right now i have to find my focus.

During my short stay here i plan on making new friends"friends in deeds" no more friends with benefits and so far i have been spending my company with my ex Francis and his dancing crew.it helps me stay focused and busy.but sometimes i cant help but feel guilty when he still looks at me with those puppy eyes like he still sees me as a treasure ,or like he is still madly in love with me,he clearly knows that he lost that right,i'm no longer HIS.

I'm wasted  and in recovery  .cant he see that?

Wait he too is wasted ,i think we are even.

men!

I will never understand them.

About Francis he was my boyfriend from my second year in high school until end of my third year.we had made an arrangement that we would never have sex before marriage and we both kept our end of the bargain, until one day i went to baby sit my cousin at a distant town during the December holiday  only to come back  home after the holiday and find my place with him taken by my favorite cousin ,my confidant even.it hurt like a bitch and for the first time in my life i vowed revenge on a man i truly loved.he had fucked my cousin .

Not me ,MY FREAKING COUSIN.

It's true what they say that: "theres nothing as painful as betrayal by a loved one"it can make you do things you never thought you would be capable of doing.it's like a drama and a dark dream at the same time.it tears your morals apart.it could make you dig your own grave ,like it did to me.i dug my own grave in the name of revenge,got myself into drugs and all sorts of illicit behaviors to get back at someone  i loved and in the process i lost my chastity and became a mother  at my age.an under age mother.

There's nothing as important as keeping a promise,Francis promised to save my name by covering up my community abomination and taking full responsibility of my daughter in the eyes of our villagers,everybody believes that he is her father  but in real sense he is doing it to save me.i 'm trying my best to act cool with this because once  a cheat always a cheat,he broke the promise that shattered my life ,but since he s trying i think i will keep him.on that note my decision is clear ,i'm learning to heal and for that i have to forgive and forget.

the  next update is tomorrow,do vote please.#loves bella