TRIGGER WARNINGS
physical/sexual abuse and mentions of suicide
🖤
"Sydney, baby, wake up." I started gently shaking her shoulders, I wanted to be delicate waking her up, but she just started crying and and thrashing around more. "C'mon baby. It's me, I'm here. It's okay. I've got you, Sydney." I kissed her forehead and watched her deep jade eyes flutter open and focus on my face. She was sweating and disheveled, must've been some nightmare.
"Are you alright, sweetheart? You were having a nightmare...Sydney, who is Sam?" I was cautious with my inquisition.
"What? How di-" I cut her off knowing her question.
"You we're talking in your sleep, love. By the sounds of it, you really wanted to get away from someone named Sam..."
"It's nothing. I'm fine now Eddie. Go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you." She kissed my cheek and settled back down into bed. I tried to do the same but I just kept seeing the pain on her face as she struggled in her dream. I kept hearing her voice pleading for that name to stop whatever pain it was inflicting on her. I'll never be able to go back to sleep knowing she's battling something on her own.
"Syd, talk to me. It's not nothing. You didn't see yourself. Please, Syd."
"It's too long of a story, Eddie. Go back to sleep."
"I've got all the time in the world for you, sweetheart. When's the last time you just let it all out there? Im here for you, babe. C'mon, lay it on me." I gave her a gentle reassuring smile and wrapped my arm around her pulling her closer to my side, and planting soft kisses behind her ear and down the back of her neck earning sweet little giggles out of her.
God, that's my favorite sound in this world.
"What do you want to know? If you're wanting to dive into my traumas, you better buckle your seat belts, Vedder." She gave a small laugh, but I sensed the pain and fear in her voice she was trying to hide from me.
"Start from the beginning then. I'll just lay here and listen."
"The beginning? How about I just start from sweet sixteen." She sat up and twisted her hair up into a knot. She reached over me opening her bed side table pulling out a rolling try and some weed. She sat back with her back flush against the walls and the tray in her lap as she started rolling up a joint.
"My mother had these 'men of the week'. Just different guys she'd meet out in different dope houses and things like that. They were always awful, but...this guy, Mark, was the worst. My mother allowed him to do things to me in exchange for heroin. If I resisted, he'd hurt me. I was always covered in bruises and abrasions so going to school wasn't an option anymore. I quit going to school and just spent as much time as I could out of the house. Even if it meant sleeping on park benches...That's when I met him."
"Sam?" Her body tensed up at the sound of his name. Already my heart was shattered of what she had just told me and it seems to be just the tip of the iceberg.
She twisted and manipulated the weed into the paper before lightly licking the gum to seal it shut.
"Yes, Sam." Her voice was shaking as she spoke his name. "I met Sam a a few weeks before my 17th birthday. He was kind, and generous. He and his parents let me stay with them most nights so I didn't have to go home. That is until my mother started reporting me missing when I wouldn't come home and the cops would show up and get me. If I wasn't there, then Mark didn't get me, meaning she didn't get her heroin.
Sam had this plan we were going to run away to San Diego. He had a job opportunity and friends out there. He described San Diego as heaven on earth, we would go make a new life. He would keep me safe and away from my mother. For a week or two it was exactly that. I felt free and new. Sams drinking with friends got progressively worse. He became possessive. When his sloppy drunk friends tried to flirt or paw at me, I was the one to blame. I was the one punished. Before long I was once again covered in cuts and different shades of blue and a prisoner in what should have been a home.
I tried leaving. I tried going to a woman's shelter. Sam found me before I could make it there.
That night I should have died.
I just remember him coming at me with this pure look of rage and blackness in his eyes. It's like something just clicked in his brain.
It started with the yelling. The blaming. Then pushing turned to choking, and choking turned to beating. "You think you can run out on me? You don't realize I'll just come find you?! You don't know what I've done for you! You ungrateful bitch! I should have left your worthless ass in Seattle to get pregnant and die, fucking whore." he yelled over my cries. Another blow to the ribs as I lay curled on the ground screaming and pleading for him to stop.
That's what my nightmare is. It's reliving every word and every blow.
I remember pleading with god, just to let me die. Just to let this be over. That's when I knew there was no god. What kind of god would create these kinds of monsters. What kind of god would let this be mine or anyones life. That's when I decided, if I couldn't leave, I'd leave this earth. Anything for it to stop.
When I woke up, I picked myself up off the floor. I washed the dried blood off my black and blue face. I studied myself in the mirror, my left eye was swollen shut, my lips were busted and the blood had dried into my hair causing it to tangle into a matted mess. I had no family. No friends. No money. No reason to be alive. I was completely isolated in an unfamiliar city. Exactly what Sam had wanted."
She brought the impressively rolled joint to her full pink lips, flicking a flame out of her lighter and taking a slow deep inhale. Her eyes slowly closed as the smoke filled her lungs. Her shoulders relaxing as she finally exhaled and passed it over to me.
"I left all my belongings except for my old guitar and a JansSport back pack with a few necessities. I was going to take my life back one way or another. The one thing I knew for sure was Sam, nor any other man would hurt me like that again. Staying there, with him, became scarier than leaving. Scarier than dying.
So I got on a greyhound bus and made my way back to Seattle. The city that brought me so much pain had also been a safe haven for me my whole adolescences. I was born here, and I wanted to die here. I wanted to give myself one last time to see the city again. I went around visiting all the sights, played my guitar at the big fountain in the park, and I was going to jump off the Aurora bridge at sunset."
"...but you didn't jump. What was it that stopped you?" I was as soft spoken as possible. Watching her hug herself with one arm and stroking Rooster with the other. This sweet beautiful soul has been through so much that she never deserved. That no one deserves. What kind of monsters could harm even a single hair on her head? I could feel the anger and hatred building up and consuming my thoughts, but I didn't have time to worry about my own emotions right now so I pushed them aside. Waiting on her to collect herself and finish her story, I watched the tears finally beginning to well in her eyes. I rested my hand on hers rubbing circles on her soft skin with my thumb.
"I was on my way to the bridge... and I was passing by the old library and this older lady was struggling carrying these big card board boxes and simultaneously trying to unlock the library doors and a box fell from her grasp and books flooded at her feet. So I knelt down to help her collect the books and carried them in for her. She offered me some cookies and coffee as a thank you. She insisted I stayed. Before I knew it, I had missed sunset completely just sitting, talking and laughing with this woman like she had known me my entire life. Before I left, she gave me the most loving, comforting hug I'd ever gotten. She made me promise I'd come back the next day for cake and pictures of her new grand babies, and so I did. Three weeks later, Rooster found me, and then Rooster put us in Chris' path, and now I'm laying in my very own apartment, with a furry best friend, and Eddie Vedder in my bed telling me how beautiful I am. I can't believe I was going to miss out on all of this. I was going to let my mom, and Sam and all of those other assholes win."
I sat up engulfing her into my arms, unable to resist any longer. I wanted to take all of her hurt. I wanted the scum that hurt her to pay. Most importantly I wanted to make sure nothing and no one will ever hurt her like that again. I'll make sure of it. I kissed the top of her head. "As long as I'm alive, Sydney, I will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe. Thank you for sharing your story with me, darling. I'm so fucking proud of you. You're the fucking rockstar! I've never met a stronger human being in my life. You're an incredible person, baby girl and I'm so thankful you're still here." I brought her tear soaked lips up to my own and kissed her softly.
Through sniffles and light giggles "Y'know I watched an I interview you did back in 91' and you said 'The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself. Be stronger than those people', and I live by those words every day. Your words and your music has kept me going through a lot of dark days and I can't believe I get to say thank you in person, but thank you Eddie. For all that you are and all that you do.
I see your face, and the fear goes away."
🖤
National suicide hotline open 24/7
1-800-273-8255
National Domestic Abuse Hotline open 24/7
1-800-799-7233
National sexual assault hotline open 24/7
1-800-656-4673
Text HOME to 741741 for free 24/7 crisis support in the US.
Every single one of you matter, and I'm glad you're here on this earth. 🖤
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Future Days
FanfictionSydney has had a rough life. Coming from an abusive and neglectful junkie mother, and never knowing who her father is she's spent her whole life living off and on the streets and in shelters when need be. She had went from one toxic environment to t...
