Eat!

5 ~ Delicious Ignorance

Alice

I couldn’t stop thinking about Sam.

I thought maybe this was a bad thing, because that would mean I could get too attached. That meant that I might start to eat more. I might start to get even fatter, if that were possible. That was only one part of me that felt like that. The other part felt like it had been tazed and now there were little electrical tingles running through my body.

I weighed myself, as I did every time.

94 pounds.

I cursed Sam inside my head; how could he have made me eat that piece of chicken? It had tasted too delicious; if I had stayed there another minute I would have scoffed the whole lot. I felt so hungry now, but…No. I can’t eat. Would Sam even like me if I stayed this huge? Of course not.

I would get thin and pretty for Sam.

 “Fat, fat, fat.” I repeated again and again as I got changed, making sure I would never forget it.

When I was done, I didn’t really know what to do. It looked freezing outside, what with the frost coating the ground like dust and the silent atmosphere. Maybe I would just stay in today; Mom must be getting bored here all by herself doing absolutely nothing. I shook my head – I couldn’t sound so bitter. She had her reasons.

Right?

I plodded into her room, to find her wide awake. This was a rare sight on a Saturday morning; she normally just slept. But no, today she was sitting a straight as a ruler, her blood red eyes staring at an invisible spot on the wall. She was so out of it I got scared.

“Mom!” I said alarmed. She jumped, her expression softening into a tired smile.

“Alice. Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” She muttered, voice cracking.

It never really occurred to me to ask if she was OK.

“Mom, do you want to do something?” I asked cheerfully, hopping up on the bed. She thought for a minute, and smiled the most genuine smile I think I’ve seen in over five years.

“Sure. OK. What did you have in mind?”

I bit my lips, thinking what would Sam say? “What about monopoly?”

My breath whooshed out of me when she nodded happily, relieved she hadn’t freaked out or something. She was normally a little crazy when she’d just woken up. I dashed downstairs in fear that she would change her mind, grabbed the monopoly board and dashed back upstairs. When I walked back in, some groovy pop music was playing.

I laughed when she grabbed my hand, and we started dancing around the room to Video Killed The Radio Star, totally out of rhythm and hip bumping. She twirled me around, I twirled her around, and we pranced around like idiots. Like the old times. Her smile made the corners of her blue eyes crinkle, and her mousy brown hair whipped her face. When the song ended, we both collapsed back down on the bed, and got the board out.

There were cards missing, of course. But we didn’t care. We made up our own rules, skipping properties and stealing money from the bank. It seemed like we were having a nice, relaxed time. Seemed. There was a moment of silence after we realised my mom was running out of ‘money’

And she burst into tears.

I looked on, shocked and angry. “Mom. What’s wrong?”

She just carried on sobbing, completely ruining the great time we had been having about half an hour ago. I didn’t know what to do besides fumble my arms useless. I finally settled on pulling her into a hug.

Her tears resolved into hiccups, and she spoke: “I-hiccup-miss-hiccup-him.”

“It’s OK. I do to. It’s OK.” I cooed, but she wasn’t finished.

“We have no money Alice. Don’t know what to do. No food.”

I froze, and pulled away, looking into her watery eyes. She sniffled, and I gaped. My mother had never openly admitted our money issues, ever. She was one of those people that just trundled along in life, ignoring these little flaws that came with it.

But now, she had cracked.

I felt angry that she hadn’t said anything. I felt happy that we had no food.

“Mom, why didn’t you-,” I began angrily, but gave up: “I’ll get a job.”

And with that, I was leaping out of the bed and sprinting to my mom’s fiat.

**********

It was the ‘help wanted’ sign that made me pull up in front of ‘The Dusty Shelf’

It appeared the book shop needed a waitress in the library café. I was pretty sure I could do that job, and black attire was needed; Black was very slimming, or so I had heard. I stepped inside, searching for the manager so I could get the job. A blast of hot air and a bored voice greeted me.

“I guess you’re hear for the job, then?” It said.

“Yeah, I-,”

I recognized that voice. It was warm, and sent shivers down my spine.

I looked up, and there he was. Sam, a big grinning spreading slowly onto his face, all twinkly eyed and over-sized skull-cap. I laughed when I saw the guitar propped up against the side. I bounced up the counter, my smile mirroring his.

“Fancy seeing you here.” He said, leaning both elbows on the desk, closer to my face.

My words felt like glue on my tongue. “I need a job.”

Sam scratched his head thoughtfully. “I guess I’d better give you an interview then.”

He grabbed my hand-I was definitely aware of that-and pulled me into the quaint café out the back of the book store. It was cosy; Plush burgundy chairs were pulled up against tables rather lazily, and the windows were wide open to let the midday sun in. Sam casually found us a table and we sat down.

I waited.

“OK, first question: Where do you live?”

“You know where I-,” I started, but he shushed me.

“It’s part of the interview.”

I sighed. “13, mulberry road, Pennsylvania.”

Sam smiled gratefully, and resumed the questions. I sat quietly and answered each one in a polite tone, all while secretly buzzing inside. I was trying to decide if working with Sam was good idea; We was distracting. Very distracting. His brown flecked green eyes seemed to glitter with happiness, his brown floppy hair that peeked out from his skull cap. It was all Sam, careless and free. It was intoxicating.

“Alice, did you hear me?” Sam said, waving a hand in front of my face.

I jumped, and looked sheepish. “Sorry. What did you say?”

Sam tutted. “I asked if you had any medical problems.”

This is seemed to stop me in my tracks, for some strange reason. I wasn’t healthy; No way. Did my plus size body count as a medical condition? I didn’t think so, so I just replied with a ‘no.’ Sam raised an eyebrow, disbelieving. I almost cracked; so he did think I was fat. After a few moments of him regarding me, he stood up.

“I guess you get the job then.” He said with finality.

“Really? J-just like that?” I asked.

Sam’s mouth set in a hard line, as he shrugged. “We’ve had no-one else apply for the job so yeah. Welcome to the team.”

I nodded gratefully, turned around and headed for the shop door. I had opened it, when something point poked me in the back of the head. There was a flutter of paper and a jingle of the shop bell. I bent down to pick up the thing that had hit me. It was another paper plane, folded together with a napkin. Inside the wing, was some numbers. A phone number, written in big bubbly letters. I had no doubt in my mind who the sender was.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sam wink, and with a smile, I tucked the plane in my pocket.