The Silence

Chapter Twenty Eight

Saint:

I felt sick. Everything in me wanted to turn around and run for the bathroom to throw up like Julian had right before he'd had his seizure. I'd felt sick then too...watching him flop around like a fish out of water and standing there, not being able to do anything to help...it had killed me.

"I think...I think I want to be alone right now." Julian said softly.

"Julian..." I said but he had already turned back to his bed and he couldn't hear me. Shit.

"Let's give him a minute." Mrs Carter said, getting up out of her chair and coming over to walk with me out of Julian's room. She shut the door gently and leaned against it heavily. "He just needs time to think. He - "

"Get's like this, sometimes. Yeah. I know." I replied and she blinked up at me in surprise, then nodded carefully.

"You should go home, Saint. You haven't slept in a bed in almost a week. Your parents are probably worried about you, too." She said and I scoffed softly. Maybe Evelyn. My father? Not so much.

"I don't need to go home. I'm fine." I said and Mrs Carter put her hand on my arm lightly.

"You need a minute to breathe too, Saint. Take it. Then come back. He'll need you." She said and heaved out a long sigh. "I don't think he'll be looking for his mommy like he used to, anymore."

"Julian loves you very much." I said to her and she gave me a watery smile.

"I know. He loves you too." She replied and I gave her my own smile.

"I know."

The house was quiet when I walked into it and my footsteps echoed all the way up the stairs. I shuffled through my bedroom like a zombie, avoiding my bed and pulling off my clothes as I headed to the bathroom. I just managed to make it to my shower when my eyes started to mist over. Oh my God. Julian was deaf. He'd never get to hear my voice again. Or his mother's voice again. Or ANYTHING again. The heaviness of that kind of permanence was too much for me and a sob left my mouth just as the tears started falling. Oh my God. My legs started to tremble and I felt so weak, I sank onto the tiled floor in a heap. Oh my God. Why was this happening? Why now? Why when... I know Julian had been telling me for weeks now that he was terrified of losing his hearing completely. But I had thought...both of us had thought that would only be ages from now. Years.

It wasn't right. How was it fair? It was so fucking unfair. Why did it have to be Julian...

I don't know how long I sat there in the shower, crying as I thought about all the things Julian would never get to experience again. No wonder he'd asked for a moment alone. I could barely hold it together myself and it wasn't even me who was going through it.

I climbed into my bed slowly. I didn't want to. I wanted to drive straight back to the hospital and grab Julian and hold him close to me for as long as I possibly could, but he'd asked for some time alone so that's what I would give him. To be honest, I needed some time too. Just to clear my head for a second. To slow down and think. What was going to happen now? Would Julian come back to school? Would he WANT to come back to school? Was he going to be OK?

The doctors still don't know why he'd had a seizure in the first place. There had been fluid build up in his inner ear canal but that had been the only thing they could find wrong with him. What was going on? Why was it so hard for doctors to just fix whatever was happening? People were always going on about how advanced medical science was these days and yet they couldn't do anything still? What bullshit.