The Silence

Chapter Thirty

Saint:

"Hey. Saint." I looked up and Zac gave me a WTF look. "Dude. You can't even call me back?"
"Hey, Zac." I murmured.
"Hey, Zac? That's it? That's all you're going to say to me?" He half-yelled and pushed my chest. It barely even moved me though.
"Zac..."
"Do you know how worried I was? My mom wouldn't let me come over because..." He shook his head slowly. "How are you? You look like shit."
"I'm fine." I said and hefted my bag up on my shoulder. I didn't even want to come back to school, but Julian had made me promise at least one of us would get through exams.
"Landon is gone." He said quietly. 
"I know. Veronica told me."
"Veronica?"
"Mmhm. She came by the hospital." I said and pulled out a cigarette.
"Hospital?" Zac paused next to me. "Why were you at the hospital?"
"You..." I blinked at him in shock and stopped flicking my lighter. "Julian."
"Are you...Shit. What happened to Julian?" His eyes went wide. "Dude. What kind of fucked up week have you been having?"
"Tell me about it." I grumbled.

School was horrible. I was used to everyone looking at me the time, but now it was worse. So much worse. Gossip was making it's rounds in the school and I had no idea how much the truth had been mangled by teenagers who had too much time on their hands and no reason to find out if anything they were told was true or not. At least no one bothered me. All I could think about was Julian. I wanted to text him but he was back at the hospital for some more blood tests and another hearing check. Just in case.

"Nicky." Evelyn called when I walked into the house. "Are you home already?"
"I'm not staying. I gotta go pick up Julian." I said and she grabbed my arm just as I was moving for the stairs.
"Wait. Can I talk with you for a second?" She said softly and ignored the tiny flare of irritation that bloomed in my chest. I'd been waiting all day to see Julian. Did she really want to talk NOW?
"What is it?"
"I spoke with your father." She started as soon as I sat down.
"I don't - " I tried to get up, but she stopped me with her hand again.
"Nicky. I spoke with your father." She tried again. "I was really disappointed in how he'd behaved. How he has been behaving." I scoffed lightly and she sighed delicately. "I know it won't be easy, to forgive him. But I'd like to ask you to just...understand him. He has his reasons for acting the way he did. You know he loves you."
"Why is it always me that needs to be understanding?" I whispered. "No, don't look at me like that." I said when she opened her mouth to say something. "I always have to understand. And no one understands me. I'm..." I slapped my thighs and stood up again. "I'm tired. And I need to go see Julian. Can we do this some other time?"
She didn't stop me when I got up this time.

'How are you? Sleepy?' I signed and Julian nodded, laying his head down on my lap. He'd come back from the hospital with another cocktail of meds that made even my stomach roll. I didn't understand why there were so many, but if they helped him get better...
My hands went to his curls and he closed his eyes slowly. He looked pale, and tired, and he still had bags under his eyes, but he was still so beautiful. We stayed like that for a while. Just sitting in the sunlight on the porch and enjoying being with each other without thinking about too much. I traced the lines of his face, learning them so I could refine my sketch later at home. It still wasn't perfect. I don't think I could ever sketch how soft his skin was.
"Saint?" Julian said softly. He shifted around until he was lying on his back and could look up at me.
"Yeah?" I smiled down at him.
"I'm not coming back to school." He said slowly. My smile disappeared as I let what he was saying sink in.
"Umm...what?"
"I'm not coming back to school." He said again.
"I don't understand." I frowned slightly.
"It's not that I don't want to. I think, with a little time, I could have maybe ...adjusted. To the not hearing. But it's just really...expensive. My medical bills. And mom is trying so hard. I think I'm going to switch to home schooling."
"What?" I said again and he reached for me hand in his hair.
"We spoke about it before. When we first moved here. But I still wanted to go to school. Be normal." He said quietly.
"You are normal." I wanted to shout but...
"Saint."
"No, Julian. Listen to - fuck." I muttered when he winced. "Julian." I sat him up and held his cheeks in my hands. "You can't leave school now. Its your final year."
"Homeschooling isn't so bad." He said and I wanted to shake him.
"This is about money right? I can pay for it. I can pay for - "
"No." He said firmly. "What the hell. I'm not letting you pay for anything."
"You can't drop out of school."
"I'm not dropping out. I'll just be doing it on my own. Tutors are great. I found one that works with deaf kids already and - " My head was swimming and I felt light-headed.
"What? You found a tutor already?"
"Its almost exam time." He said. My heart sank and I dropped my forehead to his.
"I'll never see you..." I mumbled, but of course he didn't hear me. I knew I was being dramatic. Of course I would still see him, but not as much during the day. I wouldn't catch glimpses of him in class anymore, biting his pen and curling his hair around his finger, or see him in the sunlight, waiting for me by the fountain already, squinting and complaining about homework. I wouldn't see any of the little things anymore and it was like a hole was being punched into my chest.

I didn't like change. I hated change. I hated it with a passion. Why couldn't everything just stay like it was. I'd hated it when my parents got divorced. Hated the new house and its echoing walls. Done everything in my power to hate Evelyn despite how sweet she was. And I hate, hate HATED that Julian couldn't do something as simple as hear my voice anymore. Now this.
"Saint?" I didn't answer him when I stood up. I couldn't right now. My lungs were in a vice grip and I couldn't breathe.
All my life, the only thing that had never changed was money. But what good was that money now, when I couldn't even use it to keep the things that were precious to me?