poems

drowning

I don't know whats in store for me

is their a greater purpose 

a greater meaning for me

if I knew what it was would I be happy

or would I resent what I had

I think everyone has a purpose 

everyone is special

bit in a world of special people

I still feel like a nobody

I constantly wonder about my existence

I constantly question if i'm worth the air

am I a waste of space

do I even matter

do my choices really effect those around me

if I was never born 

then no one would morn what never was 

but i'm here

i'm in the now

but I want to disappear

people say its my fault that something happens

they blame me for being myself 

yet I never asked to be born

I never asked for this

at the same time

im somewhat happy 

if they resent and blame me that is one less person to worry about

one less person I have to feel guilty for

when I die wether it be natural or intentional

they won't morn 

they won't cry

I will be another person amongst the sea of people

so if I drowned beneath these people 

they wouldn't notice my hand sinking below

they wouldn't hear me

screaming their name

screaming for help 

screaming for air

I would just be one among the others who wish for air

who want to breath 

who want to matter 

who want to be loved

even now as I drown I don't care about me 

I care about the others drowning

I try to push their legs up so they can breath

while I drown beneath their feet

will I ever be worth it for someone to help me breath

or will I drown

will my eyes see the sun through blurry water for the last time

my last breath as I let the darkness of the deep consume me

as I let the demons cling to my legs

they cling onto me like the chains that keep me from surfacing

they drag me deeper like cement weighing me down

soon the pressure will be to much for me to take

if I don't simply drown before my head explodes

I will find other means of death

unless you can pull me to the surface