Clean Slate #Wattys2019

Chapter Ten

The next three days were filled with a lot of spontaneous "I love you"s, appreciative glances, and warm hugs. Natalie and I weren't very affectionate people in the sense that we don't hug people just for the sake of doing it. I mean, we definitely weren't spending the majority of our childhood hugging while our mother cried, it was actually full of a lot of long awkward silences because I didn't know how to explain what was going on to Natalie. She was only twelve at the time and she knew that he was gone forever, but she couldn't wrap her head around why our mother was abandoning us.

Eventually, I realized that she needed me, so I stepped up and took care of her whenever she needed me to. I wasn't going to be an absentee sibling and I wasn't going to let my father's death get to me as it had to my mother. I wasn't sure what to do, but I knew I wasn't going to neglect her when she needed someone to guide her the most.

Today, I couldn't even remember how I used to feel when it comes to feeling awkward around her. I feel awkward around my mother now if anything because I still don't know how to talk to her and sometimes if I say the wrong thing, it'll send her into a downward spiral and she'll go on a self-destructive path. So instead of setting her off, I stuck strictly to small talk: weather, work, etc. It was boring and just flat out sad to think that this was the extent of my relationship with my mother, but it was my reality and it's the version that is best for everyone involved, especially Natalie.

She was able to forgive our mom quicker than I was. She was then and she is now. She's always been the better person than me in that sense, well, in many senses. "She had her heart broken, she's allowed to make mistakes and change her life while she tries to figure out how to fix it." she would always tell me. "Everyone has to heal at their own pace." It even got to a point that I got frustrated with Natalie for continuously making excuses for my mother's shortcomings. She should be held accountable for the things that she had done. Even though I was a firm believer in this, I promised Natalie that I wouldn't bring it up, so I don't.

Needless to say, when our mother didn't show up to see Natalie in the hospital at all since she woke up, Natalie forgave her. She kept saying things like "It's probably too hard for her, I get that" or "She said she doesn't want to overwhelm me, but she knows that I'm okay and she's so happy" and each time I would internally roll my eyes so hard that they threatened to fall out. My mother has been too selfish to care about anyone besides Chris since she entered this relationship. It wasn't things that she could sit and lie about or hide with excuses. Well, Natalie was easier to deceive with the excuses. Honestly, I have to say that it broke my heart more than infuriated me. It's been years since dad died and yes, it still breaks all of our hearts every day, but I think I just associate his death with my mom's abandonment and I honestly resent her for it. I can't even mourn my father properly because she's too busy being too busy to make time for her children.

This is why the second that Natalie gets out of the hospital, we are packing our things and getting an apartment. She's never home anyway, so we'll move out, she won't be able to pay rent anymore eventually and then she'll move in with Chris just like she's always wanted anyway. In the end, everyone will be happy and hopefully healthier.

Today was the day five since she has woken up from her coma. The other days were all great, but today she was different. She was cold and rude to just about everyone who she came across and she just didn't seem to be in the mood to talk to anyone.

She said she hadn't been sleeping well, so Kathryn and I both decided that we would make it as dark as possible in her room and then excuse ourselves so she could get some rest. We both went to our separate houses to take showers and grab something to eat.

I was just finishing towel drying my hair when my phone rang.

I honestly never would've thought that these words would hit my ears, but they did, and my life changed forever.