Clean Slate #Wattys2019

Chapter Seven

Her eyes were open, but nothing like when they opened because she was in pain. I couldn't believe that I heard her voice.

"Nat? Are you really awake? I'm gonna need you to talk to me again and please don't ever stop because I feel like I'm imagining this." I didn't break eye contact with her while I pressed the button to call the nurse in.

A small smile cracked through her lips and she turned her head towards the cup of water on the table beside her bed. She tried to lift her arm to reach for it, but she was too weak.

I gently pushed her arm back down on the bed "Don't push yourself, I'll get it. Your nurse says you need all the rest you can get." I reached and tilted her cup of water to her lips until she signaled me to stop.

"And I meant it!" The nurse announced as she made her entrance into the room. She smiled at Natalie "Hi, honey, I'm your nurse, you can call me Denise. How do you feel?"

"Better now that I got to drink water, my mouth felt dry like a sock. How long was I out?" She spoke softly.

"Five days." I told her before the nurse could. Her face fell.

"I missed graduation." I watched her dwell on that for a moment before she shook herself out of it before she changed the subject. "Oh, my god. Kathryn. Where is she? Is she okay? Was she hurt?"

She was gaining strength back rather quickly and was now sitting up more than before and looking at me, waiting for answers.

As if on cue, Kathryn walked through the door and dropped her bag before running over to Natalie's bed. She halted to a stop at Natalie's bedside and looked up at Denise. "Can I hug her? Please let me hug her!" She bounced a little bit like a little kid would when begging for something.

"Yes, but gently!" Denise pulled back from checking Natalie's responsiveness to let Kathryn get in there.

She basically just laid on Nat and gently cupped her hands around Natalie's shoulders since she couldn't get her arms around her. "I'm so happy you're okay, you had me worried sick!" When she pulled away, tears were streaming down Natalie's face.

"You're not mad?" She looked at Kathryn specifically.

"Mad? Why would I be mad at you? You're obviously in much worse shape than I am, how could I be mad at you for taking most of the damage? I'm just happy you're alive and awake. Nothing else matters. We're both alive and healing, and Natalie Rose Jensen don't you dare start apologizing because there is no reason. I love you, and I'm so happy that we're both going to be okay!" Kathryn held her hand while she talked and I watched as Natalie's face relaxed.

She looked towards me as if to ask me the same question and I answered her doubts before she could. "No, Nat. I'm not mad at you either, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just happy you're still here. I don't know what I would've done if I lost you, you really are my best friend."

She smiled and I noticed her eyes start to water so she cleared her throat and changed the subject. "Where's mom?" her eyebrows knit together.

I felt bad because I know that no matter what, there will just be some things that I can't fill my mother's shoes in and I felt like I suddenly felt like I wasn't fit to be her guardian. "She came in twice since you've been in the hospital, but I told her not to come anymore. I can text her to come if you want me to."

Relief washed over her face. "No, please just leave her out of this. She's going to be frantic, I'm not ready to deal with it yet. I'll explain everything to her when I get home. Thank you for thinking of that ahead of time."

It was my turn to feel relieved. Sometimes I doubt that I really know what's best for Natalie or that I'll be able to be enough for her when I finally get her out of that toxic house, but at the end of the day, I'll do anything to protect her. She's eighteen so at this point most of the things I would have to worry about because I'm not a woman, she already knows. It makes my job a hell of a lot easier.

I will admit that I don't really parent her and I'm not going to start now because she is eighteen and doesn't need it. If I notice that she's starting to spiral or go down the wrong path, I will tell her. She's rational enough to take that into account and not need me to instill it in her. I sit and watch as Natalie and Kathryn talk about anything and everything and I truly am so proud of my little sister. She really has grown despite the hostile environments that she has been in and losing our dad.

I know if he was still alive she'd want him here. I also know that he'd be here without her asking. So would mom and Nat would welcome it. When mom and dad were together, they were the best versions of themselves and I really worry about my mom and whether or not she's lost that version entirely as these arbitrary dating habits chip little pieces of her away slowly.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but that doesn't mean that I approve of the things that she has done since my father has died. Cancer was the worst thing to happen to this family. Osteosarcoma cancer was my dad's downfall. One second he was fine and a few months later he was unrecognizable and I watched as the life left his eyes. Looking back at pictures that were only a few months before his death, I can't even believe how quickly it took over and took him from us.

After the funeral, my mother didn't come out of her room for days on end. We couldn't get her to talk to us, she barely ate anything and she would often stare off into the distance with a devastatingly glassy look in her eye. She basically abandoned all responsibilities that come with being a mother. Part of me thinks that maybe she didn't know how to be a mother without him. Or maybe she just didn't know how to be a person and she had to figure that out all over again. She was the definition of broken.

One day, she just got up, went out and got herself a job after losing the one she had during her weeks of heartbreak and just resumed as though nothing had changed. She never acknowledged what happened or asked me and Natalie how we felt or even talked about it. She just plastered on a picture-perfect smile and went about her business. I think I resent her for her insensitivity towards how me and Natalie felt during that time, but I've never been in love, so I guess I really can't understand.

Then on the night that we officially made it one whole year without dad, she went out and came back with a boyfriend. She introduced him to us and acted as if there was nothing strange or wrong about it. I still debate with myself sometimes whether or not she even remembered what happened or if she blocked it from her memory completely. Like I said, I've never been in love, so I guess I can't blame her without that experience.

While she was grieving in her ways, Natalie and I were grieving in ways of our own. I ran. I ran every night after work. Sometimes, I didn't even realize how much of the day I had lost to running until I noticed that the sun started going down. It got to the point that I lost an unhealthy amount of weight and when I went to the doctor for my physical, I was told that I have to put on weight which was a shock to my system because I was always right on the average mark. Eventually, running became running and going to the gym so that I could still continue to get the sensation that made me hurt less, but I was also getting bulkier.

Natalie, on the other hand, started throwing herself into her writing. I think it was to honor my father's memory since he always believed in the author in her. I also think that's why this book that she's putting together means so much to her. When she woke up, she sent me home a few hours later to go check and see if the book had gotten there. "It should've been there by Tuesday!" she tells me. I moaned and groaned but eventually I gathered my jacket with the rest of my belongings (my delight of a sister also told me I stink and need a shower) and headed home.

When I got to the front door, sure enough, there was a package waiting. I wondered how long it had been here and whether or not my mother had been sleeping at Chris's. If she was here, she must've stepped over it several times at this point. I promised that I wouldn't open the package because, understandably, she wanted to do the honors, so I hopped in the shower.

When I got dressed, I headed back to the hospital with the package on my lap while I drove. As I drove, I started to talk to myself about how my prayers were heard and answered and that there's good in the world and I tried to remind myself to see that next time I'm feeling angry and bitter, because there's always something to smile about. This whole experience has really brought to light that life is too short and I wanted to better myself from here on out. I wanted Natalie to be as proud of me as I was of her.

Author's Note: Yay, she woke up! I hope you got a little bit more of an idea about their mom and why their relationship is strained. What do you think is going to happen next?