Clean Slate #Wattys2019

Chapter Eleven

I can't tell if the next few days felt like hours or weeks, but I was barely mentally there the entire time. Her wake and her funeral were both full of people who she had touched. It blew my mind to see how many people she affected in only eighteen years and it really made me wonder what good things she would've done if she had gotten to live her entire life.

I still haven't opened the envelope that Denise gave me. I wanted to wait until I wasn't so emotional. I wanted to feel calm and centered so I could be prepared for whatever was in it. I tried to tuck it to the back of my head and not think about it too much, but it was proving to be easier said than done. I kept trying to get through things and use it as a reward at the end, but that was another mountain I had to climb.

Dealing with the loss of my little sister and best friend in one person was the hardest thing that I ever had to do and I had to keep convincing myself that everything is for a reason.

I realized all of these things in the hospital that hit me like a brick wall, but it wasn't until her body was lowered into the ground on the day of her funeral that I realized that I would never even get to see her again.

Despite the ridiculously steep uphill battle in front of me, I looked over at Noah and Kathryn and for the first time in days, I realized that I still had things, even if it was just a small family of just the three of us, to be grateful for.

After the funeral, I went home for the first time in days. I hadn't been home since the day she died before I found out.

I walked into the house and automatically got hit in the face with the smell of her favorite air freshener that she had insisted on plugging in all around the house and my heart was automatically in my throat.

I walked past her room and closed the door without looking in. I continued and walked into my room, changed out of my suit and got in my bed under the blankets, trying to block out the world. I fell asleep for what had to have been only a short amount of time before I woke myself up with my own screaming and sweating.

I had dreamt the accident. It was bloody and gory and killed my sister on impact and when I woke up, I selfishly wondered if that would've been easier. Sudden, but quick. Final. Her getting better was a tease and she just died anyway. I couldn't imagine that my sister dying in any way would be easy.

This continued for a few nights and I didn't sleep more than three hours before this happened until I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. Everything in this house reminded me of her. I couldn't look anywhere even in my own room without thinking about her.

I decided that if I was suffering like this, then I should pay Kathryn a visit and check to see how she's doing. I knew that Noah would be working, so I knew I wouldn't be seeing him. I checked the time and was only partially surprised when I saw that it was only 1:00 a.m.

I grabbed my phone off my nightstand and decided to see if Kathryn was awake before I just showed up unannounced.

Hey, are you awake? I texted and waited for a reply.

A few minutes later, my phone dinged twice while I was splashing water on my face.

Yes, why? She asked.

Are you okay? She was never able to say everything she wanted to say in one text.

I'm coming over, I'll see you in a few. I never asked anymore, we were all passed the pleasantries and if it wasn't so late, I wouldn't have even texted but I'd rather not drive there to be greeted by a sleeping house.

I threw on a hoodie and put my sweatpants on over the shorts that I was wearing and stepped into my extremely worn sneakers. Grabbing my keys, my wallet and my phone, I headed out the door.