I, Death

Sunday October 21 2012 - 9:37 PM

It’s gotten worse. This curse of mine.

And unlike before, it’s gotten a whole lot worse rather quickly.

This morning, before I left the house for the day, when I was sitting at the kitchen table eating the bacon and eggs that Aunt Shelly had made for me, she asked me why I was looking so glum.

Actually, these past several months she’d asked me that a lot. I mean, sure, I’d been moping around here a lot when Sara and I first broke up. I’d be the first to admit it. But this morning was the first time that I paid attention to it, that I actually heard her words. It made me wonder about the last time that Aunt Shelly and I had actually exchanged words in a conversation. Not a simple question and answer type of thing, but a conversation.

I remember it clearly. It was last week. During supper, after one of the recurring back to back movie marathons Uncle Bob and I had sat through. Aunt Shelly wasn’t much for movies, but she enjoyed listening to the both of us talk about it — she usually sat there, her napkin crumpled into her hand which would be cupped into her other palm with her chin propped up on it, smiling as the two of us went on and on. But that time, she’d been an active participant.

And I’d been pretty chipper. Instead of what I realized had been a usual stance for me lately at dinner — my head down, uttering single syllable responses to questions from either of them — I’d been animated, eager to listen to and share ideas about the movies we’d just spent the afternoon watching. It’s funny, neither Uncle Bob nor I were all that hungry, having scarfed down at least three bowls of popcorn and half a dozen colas earlier, but we sat there, enjoying Aunt Shelly’s lasagna and enjoying the conversation.

I actually felt like an adult. For the first time.

And maybe that’s why I actually heard Aunt Shelly’s words this morning.

And why I answered her. I wish I hadn't.

I told her that Sara had gone missing — had disappeared when on a trip to Toronto.

She told me that she knew, that Sara’s parents had phoned here a few weeks ago, asking if Sara had been in contact with me at all. “I told them that you hadn’t,” Aunt Shelly said, still standing at the kitchen sink, dropping the frying pan into the sudsy water.

“How would you know?”

“Pardon?”

“You’re not with me every moment of the day. How would you know?”

She lifted the frying pan out of the sink, started scrubbing it with a cleaning brush. “If Sara had been in contact with you at all, I would have seen it in your eyes, my son.” Aunt Shelly had this special way of letting me know how much she knew me, how easy it was for her to be able to understand me, and it normally made me feel better to know that, at least subconsciously. But not this morning. This morning, I was a white hot ball of fury.

“But you didn’t even ask me!” I screamed, slamming my fork and knife down on the table. “You didn’t even let me know that they’d called.”

“Peter, calm yourself down. Sara hasn’t been in contact with you, has she?”

I paused. “No.”

“So why are you so angry?”

“I just wanted to know, okay.”

“I’m sorry, Peter. I wasn’t sure how you’d be able to handle the news. Especially with what happened with Jagdish and everything. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“It’s not like Sara is dead, Aunt Shelly. She’s just run away.”

She carefully put the frying pan down on the counter and wiped her hands on her apron. “Peter,” she said in a very gentle voice. “Oh, Peter.”

“What?”

“Stella Stanwick told me she’d heard about how Sara disappeared. About her cousin. You know about that, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Julie told me about it.”

“Then you can’t believe that Sara is actually still alive, can you?”

That completely shocked me. Aunt Shelly had never come across as a stupid woman, as someone who didn’t pay attention — nothing like that. But I’d never heard her speak in such a way. I’d never heard her say something with such simplicity, as if she understood the inner workings of the universe. She was saying, based on the evidence, that it was likely that some sort of harm had come to Sara. She was saying it the way I imagine you might try to convince someone who just couldn’t see it that the world was round, not flat.

But I would have none of it. I refused to believe that anything bad had happened to Sara, and I was furious with her for suggesting otherwise.

“She’s okay, Aunt Shelly!” I said, my voice rising again as I pushed away from the table. “She’s fine. She’s just run away!”

“Peter . . .” she stood there, a concerned look in her eyes, and pursed her lips together, still wiping her hands on her apron, though they must have been dry already.

I didn’t say anything more, just glared at her, and walked out.

That was this morning.

I stormed out of the kitchen, leaving Aunt Shelly behind, still standing at the sink, wringing her hands in her apron, and headed down to a pool hall. I ended up spending the day hanging around with Harley.

I didn’t care that Harley was a sick fuck; that he was a strange, odd bird. It didn’t matter the things he’d done to frogs or other animals, or the bizarre stuff we always thought he was capable of. None of it did.

Harley was a “good times” friend — a guy who knows how to fuckin’ party, how to let loose. How to just let it all hang out, unwind.

Did I ever need that.

We shot pool, played video games and pinball, told dirty jokes and stories, and drank most of the day away.

It was after dark when I got home a couple of hours ago.

The house was completely empty. And dark.

There was also a message on the answering machine. The single red indicator lit up the entire room like a cry for help in the dark. There was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I looked at it. And for the longest time I just started at it, not wanting to push the button, not wanting to hear what the message said. But I finally did.

The message was from Uncle Bob.

He was at the hospital. Aunt Shelly had had a heart attack.

– 1 Comment –

Kim said...

I'm sorry Peter.

[The rest of this novel will continue to be rolled out on a regular basis here on Wattpad, but if you can't wait to read it, the print and eBook version is available through all major online retailers - Atomic Fez's page (with links) is here:  http://www.atomicfez.com/book-catalogue/9781927609033.html]